I had always had suspicions that things were not right but could not put my finger on what it was. I had even contacted divorce lawyers just three years after we got married. I guess I knew he was capable of lying as I had heard him spinning a yarn to his parents many many times. However, I was married to him and just thought that he would never do that to me. I also didn’t want to have a failed marriage under my belt before I was 30. The truth is that this giant of a man ran away from me and is children with his tail between his legs, his lies suffocating him, into the arms of someone who he could newly manipulate and who would breathe oxygen into his deflated lungs I absolutely despise my ex. He is a weak and terrible man.
It was much easier for me to digest that he had someone new in his life as I had met someone special, a real man who did the right thing by his wife and children even with anger in his heart. I know many women who’s hearts are broken again when they imagine their ex with someone new or when they are replaced with a new woman while still married. We must all think “what is she doing with him?” so I started to wonder what my ex’s girlfriend sees in him? I know that she hasn’t met his family as he is playing the victim and telling everyone who will listen, that I had an affair. He’s playing the victim to her. Is she an empath to his lies?
Why is she not wondering why he has not introduced her to his family? The divorce proceedings have been going on for three years. Isn’t that big bells ringing? Why would a woman want to be with a man who is fighting against settling with his wife? Does she not realise the impact this must have on his children? Her husband settled with her, so why would she be with a man who does not do the right thing by his wife of 15 years? I find that strange.
For my ex, for his new partner looking in, I can imagine what she’s seeing. Here she is with a man with lots of family money. He will say that he hasn’t paid me because “She ran off with another man” For her, she probably sees ££££ signs before her eyes and it’s very easy listening to him saying what a bad Mother I am. I can see what a terrible Mother I could look like. I wonder if she has moments of anxiety where things don’t add-up?
For her, she sees that he got 50:50 shared care. As she is a Mother herself, she probably wonders how I could have given him 50:50? I must be heartless. What she doesn’t know is that I had no money for court cases and he arrived at the family court surrounded by his expensive entourage and demanded 50:50 or he would have the children taken away from me. I was scared and rightly so. He only wanted 50:50 for financial proceedings. With a shared care agreement the usual financial split is 50/50. My eldest is now stuck in a boarding school – that’s how much he wanted him! What she doesn’t know is that he called Social Services 13 times in the 12 months when he was not allowed to see the children because of the suicide attempt which the children reported to CAFCASS.
She doesn’t know that when his narcissistic world came crashing down around him and his mask dropped, this action was his last ditch attempt by him to control me. I kept walking. It was a sick and disturbing *para-suicide attempt.
What she doesn’t see is that I gave in and gave him 50:50 so I could give my children at least one parent who was a role model (he doesn’t work and hasn’t worked for 15 years, living off family money). I didn’t want my children to have a mother living on benefits. I wanted them to have a hard working mummy who picked herself up from the gutter and made a career for herself.
I am the victim, but I choose not to act like the victim. As he is not working since court proceedings started, I cleverly push everything onto him to enable my own life with my children. For example, dental appointments, if was taking the children, he started insisting on coming with me so he could control the situation and be with me, so now I just let him go alone. In his mind he thinks he’s Father of the Year and to his girlfriend she sees a devoted Father and me as a crap Mum.
The reality is that I don’t get parenting awards for taking my children to the doctors and it frees me up with time to work. I call him my “free aupair”. He doesn’t need to work as his life is completely funded by his wealthy family. They are his “enablers”. As is his girlfriend. Does his girlfriend, who is a professional, not wonder why he drives around in a scrapyard car? Does she not question why he doesn’t work? He probably tells her that he suffers from anxiety and stress from the “marriage breakdown”.
My one question to her would be, “why are you with a man, who, after 2 years of being with you is still having counselling and victim support (which he was offered when he reported to the police that I had attacked him in the school carpark – they looked at the CCTV and correctly concluded that nothing had happened. I wasn’t even interviewed or spoken to) following the breakdown of his marriage? Is having you in his life not enough for him to make a “recovery” and move on? Why do you work and he does not?” Is the breakdown of a marriage really so traumatic that three years on, you are still playing the victim and unable to move on?
Why is she not wondering why I am working and have moved on and he has not? He goes away on holiday without her. He travels to his family home abroad for weeks at a time without her. Is she crazy? What this all leads to is closure for me. He hasn’t changed and never will. He has his next victim. Am I going to get in touch with her and tell her what he is like? I have thought about it, but she wouldn’t believe me. If she is so narrow-minded to not look at the bigger picture and at what is going on before her very eyes, then that’s up to her. I also don’t know what happened to her. Maybe she is as bad as him? Or maybe she is just desperate? I’m focusing on the future. It’s looking great.
By a First Wives Blogger x