Confessions of a Tinder Male

I’m nearly 56, divorced I think more than 7 years ago, I dated someone for a while on and off. During one “on” period she started talking about how she had met people on Tinder during the “off” period. I’d never heard of it, but I signed up and when we had our next off I was on it regularly.
I soon started to work out the best way to use it, swipe right a lot and see how many matches you get, then filter the matches by looking at the profile when sober. Sunday nights always seemed to be busy online and I started to build a bank of matches, normally 10, then we would chat, and some would fizzle out or I’d bin them off. The others turned into dates. When the bank was dwindling, I’d top it back up with more swiping. It was so funny, there was one woman, who just seemed to be permanently on there, looked quite attractive, maybe a erm “working woman” I’m sure there were a few of those.
Most of the time the first date was simply to see if they really were who they said, quite often they were not, such a waste of time, but this was early days and I soon learnt to just be blunt with the questions – “are you really fat?” things like that.
Anyway, it was prolific. I met some really nice people but I wasn’t really interested in forming long term relationships with most of them, so it was a few dates then lots of sex then see where it went from there. Normally for me it was thanks but no thanks onto the next one. Obviously that worked both ways.

Some also lasted a few months and decided that I wasn’t what they wanted (old, poor, fat and ugly ha ha).

The excitement of the first meeting was amazing every time, also really funny when you couldn’t even recognise them because the profile pics were so out of date. There was one women who I couldn’t believe had swiped me right, she looked stunning, we chatted, we met, it was awful I couldn’t just walk out, but she looked so old compared to her pictures, one in a bikini jumping in the air on a beach, I asked her when it was taken and she said 5 years ago. Blimey she hadn’t aged well. Anyway we had a few drinks and she invited me back, I declined, she kept contacting me, she just didn’t get it!
man checking phone eagerly

There was another one who might as well have put a picture of the Queen on her profile, she just wasn’t who was in the pictures. I thought if I drank enough she might morph into that person, but funnily she didn’t. She drank too, which made it worse because she couldn’t bloody drive home, lots of coffee, of course you can, bye. I went for dinner with someone after picking her up from her home, I thought she was nice, calm, relaxed, attractive. We turned up at a place nearby. I didn’t know the area and asked for a table for 2. They said they were fully booked so I asked if we ate straight away would they be able to squeeze us in. They checked, said yes but they needed the table back by 8pm, it was 6pm, plenty of time. Well my opinion soon changed, she just went off on one, she hadn’t listened to the waiter and started shouting at him that there were plenty of empty tables why couldn’t we eat. Hmmm, heh ho. We did eat, and had some fairly full on sex at hers later but the banshee routine did it for me.

I could go on, maybe write instalments. I was chatting at one point to the mother of a famous professional footballer who had played for England and we were trying to meet up but couldn’t fit times together. She eventually met another guy who lived locally to her. She was lovely and I really hope it worked out for her.  

There were a few like that, ones that went as far as a first or second date, where we really got on but it just couldn’t move onto the next level, you know the level that says you are a couple.

woman enjoying delicious meal

Oh blimey, just remembered the one who just wanted desperately to have a child, she had a go at me because I’d turned up for the date not wanting another one. I suggested maybe she should just screw around until she got pregnant as she clearly wasn’t too bothered about the man, you know, the potential father of that poor child. You know I’m sure some women just went on loads of dates for a free lunch, they would be polite enough, but you always knew if you asked to see them again the answer was ” I think you are lovely but just not for me”, followed by “can I see the desert menu”?

That reminds me – one last story, I now live with someone I met on Tinder, we have been through some rough times in the last 5 years, but we are seriously in love, have a gorgeous home and between us have 5 fantastic children. We had an amazing Christmas, well three Christmas’s as there’s lots to organise putting two families together to click.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

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Written by The Group Hug


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