in , , , ,

The narcissists mask had slipped

Narcissist – the warning signs that I should have noticed

I am writing this in the hope that others will notice similarities with their own experience. At the time, when you are in the relationship, you don’t realise what is happening to you. It’s only after, when your head is clear that you look at everything as a whole picture and realise how warped life was.  

I met him and he let me down on our first planned date. Just didn’t show up. Five minutes after he was supposed to pick me up, he texted to say that he was in London with friends and couldn’t get away. He had put them before me and didn’t care that I might have made an effort to get ready… I should have never seen him again.  

For around a month after he had stood me up, he texted me constantly to meet up. It was only when I had nothing better to do that, I finally agreed to meet up with him. It was all part of his game. He didn’t show up, so that he felt like he was in charge and that he didn’t really care. The arrogance. However, at the time he really swept me off my feet. Flowers to the office, restaurant dinners. He wanted to be with me all the time.  

Around 5 weeks into dating him, I decided that I didn’t actually like him, there was something odd about him that I couldn’t put my finger on, so I told him in a bar, explained that I wanted to end it. His dramatic response was to collapse to the floor. I was mortified and highly embarrassed but I immediately took him back. I couldn’t leave him lying on the bar floor. I was the empath and at the time, I didn’t really understand what was happening. Was he ill? Part of me felt scared at what he might do next if I left him and another part of me felt weirdly fortunate that I had a man in my life who loved me so much that he would become ill without me. I stayed with him but the next week was odd and I am only now piecing the jigsaw of our relationship together, now that it is over.  

A week after his collapse, I became ill with the worst headache I had ever experienced and he got me to move to his so he could look after me. I remember asking him to call the Doctor, but he wouldn’t. Instead, he said he had called his Father who was a Doctor and his friend who was a Pharmacist. He medicated me and I have no idea what he was giving me, but I was ill for around 2 weeks. I missed my Grandfathers funeral and for the first and only time ever, I had to take TWO WEEKS sick leave from work. I can’t remember ever being so ill. Looking back, I hardly knew him, why didn’t he get my own GP to come out and do a home visit or take me to the hospital? I was in absolute agony. Did he give me something to make me ill to keep me at his place?   After that, I was all his. I was so grateful that he looked after me, how could I leave him? What I thought I had was a genuinely kind man, someone who would look after me for the rest of my life. That wasn’t what I got. I had allowed a psycho into my life. He had seduced me with his ‘care and attention’. He told me he loved me very quickly. Within 6 months of meeting him I had a ring on my finger and 18 months after that, I was walking down the aisle.

I really believe that there is some truth in what the experts say; Narcissists are people who haven’t received love from their primary care givers growing up; they make up for this lack of care and attention by giving it to themselves; learning to self-adore like a wall around themselves. My exe’s Mother actually shouted at my Husband when I fell pregnant with our second child. On reflection, this now shows me that his Mother, his Primary Carer was and still is, a hard-nosed bitch and didn’t love her own children.

My ex told me stories of how she was never around for him and his sister. She was only interested in her own Mother, going out an about with her, looking after her. My ex and his Sister were cared for by ‘staff’. So maybe that is the reason he is like he is? I am not giving him an excuse for his behaviour, but I like to think that I can understand some of it, for my own mind.  

What kind of Grandmother tells her son and daughter-in-law that it’s disgusting to have a second child? I think it just proves what kind of Mother she was. My ex’s sibling is very peculiar too. By contrast, she was treated like a child, spoilt and never allowed to grow up. She is now 45 years old and has never had a job. I seriously mean that she has not completed even an hour’s work in her entire life.

Her Mother told her not to have children “you will not be able to cope” – so she didn’t. So, all in all, a very dysfunctional and controlling family.  

The marriage took hold and my ex lived his life through his parents. He was funded by his Mother and Father and told me that he was working for the family business. He refused to get a job of his own and be independent of his Mother, still pining for the love of his Mother. He continued to live through his Mother and I suppose, also through me as I was the one with the introductory social skills. He couldn’t do that part, make friends, and in fact, looking back, he didn’t have any friends at all.  

The only person in his life now and again was a guy he used to share a house with years ago. He would call on him when he needed something doing such as clearing the garage. He would get his ‘friend’ (the person he was using), started by helping him and then find himself something more important to do. My ex felt far too grand and superior to be doing menial work and he really didn’t give a shit about this so-called friend during our marriage. He talked about him behind his back, using him as and when required. It’s funny that this person now plays a huge part in his life, as he uses him for babysitting and other chores. He was the person he ran away to when I told him to leave. I think in the narcissist world this friend would be known as a ‘Flying Monkey’ but maybe he is a simple ‘Enabler’.  

So, what is a flying monkey?

  Wikipedia says: ‘Flying monkeys is a phrase used in popular psychology mainly in the context of narcissistic abuse. They are people who act on behalf of a narcissist to a third party, usually for an abusive purpose. The phrase has also been used to refer to people who act on behalf of a psychopath for a similar purpose. An alternative word is apaths. Abuse by proxy is a closely related or synonymous concept. Flying monkeys are distinct from enablers. Enablers just allow or cover for the narcissist’s own bad behaviour’. The flying monkeys are possibly always the perpetrators legal team and those that are forced to act on the narcissist’s behalf.  

He was continually lying to his family about things, so I don’t know why I didn’t think he would do that to me. The constant lies I was hearing set alarm bells ringing. We would go on holiday and he would say his card had been ‘demagnetized’ and wouldn’t work when it came to paying for the hotel. He would end up paying them months or even a year or so later. Money was a game for him. He was from a wealthy background and it seemed to empower him to not pay someone. Looking at his personality, he had no friends, was socially inept, maybe money was the only thing he could use to control people He didn’t pay hotels, ski instructors, school fees or our landlord. He would always pay eventually, but he seemed to enjoy people needing the money from him, the game. Our landlord told me that it drove him absolutely nuts when my ex didn’t pay him. My ex would say that he was going to pay tomorrow and the money would not appear. Dealing with a narcissist is frustrating and it is no wonder the victim of their game cam come across as crazy.  

The constant game-playing can push you over the edge of your sanity. and all the time they are telling everyone around them that they feel sorry for you and the way YOU are behaving. To the people dealing with the narcissist on a shallow level, they look normal and you look bonkers, purely because they are not close enough to see what is going on. They are only seeing the surface. My ex landlord spoke to me about about his thoughts and feelings when dealing with my ex. Here was a grown man, a highly successful businessman, so angry and frustrated, he wanted to physically attack my ex. But you see, that is what the narcissist wanted. If he had been physically attacked or get verbally abused, he could run to the authorities with the evidence.  

My ex says that he has a Masters Degree but am not even sure about that. When I was clearing his stuff I found his University Student Union Card. It was his face, but his friends name and his friend was a lecturer at the University; did his friend in some way fake my ex’s degree? I can’t think of any other reason what that student union card would exist.   Sociopaths use the Police or social services to do their dirty work; taking the children away from you, getting you arrested, getting a non-molestation order on you. You have left the narcissist and they want to punish you, but they often do not want to do it themselves. Wherever possible they will do it by proxy so they can stand back and say that they had nothing to do with anything, the authorities took charge. They will stand on the side-lines telling everyone who will listen that feeling sorry for what you are going through.  

Economic Abuse is a classic. They will do everything they can to ensure you have no funds to live and they do not care if you have the children to look after. In the narcissists warped mind everything is YOUR fault and you will be punished. How could you possibly leave someone who is perfection? Of course, if the narcissist gets so angry, he can turn violent too and there have been many sad homicide cases. To defend themselves they will say that they are so stressed they are unable to work. You left, you caused the stress which stopped them working, you therefore stopped the money, it’s your fault the children cannot eat! Do you see how it all turns around?  

Looking back, I suppose when I met him, I was a full person, but over the years, he chipped away at me. The lies, the drama, he always had to be right, I could say the sky was blue and he would say it was green. He had to win every argument with everyone. He would have to argue his point, even with the children, the house was constant noise. Him, constantly bickering with them. He was unable to discipline them; his way was to shout and slap. He would undermine my parenting at all times because he had to be the best. He couldn’t bear it if I was doing anything which might make me look or be more successful than him. The children became like him, always loud and shouting and it has taken them two years to relax when they are with me and learn that a nice environment is free from so much noise and arguments. I have had to teach them that it is ok to admit you are wrong.

All these little things over the years built up into one big mountain and I had to get out. At one point I could take no more. It was over in an explosion of emotion. I knew there and then at that point that my ex was something not quite right, I couldn’t put my finger on what that was, but I knew I could not spend another day in his company. Knowing that I meant what I was saying when I was screaming “it’s over, get out!” he turned back into the child , there we were again, him collapsing onto the floor of the bar 17 years earlier, but instead this time, there he was with an extension lead cable around his neck and attaching himself to the outside light of the house, in front of our screaming and terrified children. Of course, his para-suicide attempt failed. The narcissist is always about drama. I don’t believe he would ever really want to die and social services described his act as ‘abuse’ He was back to being the child. That little boy unloved by his Mother. He wanted to shock me and make me go back to him and he is now able to tell the children “mummy made me do that”. It’s another way of playing the victim.
 
I was walking away from him and his adult ego couldn’t handle it and his only response was to do what worked years before. This time I kept on walking away. After that, he was typically narcissistic. Textbook in fact. The Sociopath tried to destroy me and the post-separation abuse took hold.
 
Suddenly he had no money, he wouldn’t pay the rent, leaving me and the children going to a homeless shelter, he threw all the debts he could at me, rang all the utilities and changed them into my name (not thinking for one second that that the children lived with me – narcs don’t see their children exist when they are in the care of the person they want to destroy), took my car away in an attempt to try and stop me from working, made sure my perfect credit rating was demolished, didn’t pay maintenance because he had no job, told people lies that I had been having an affair (including my Father who was dying). Made false accusations to the police, saying that I had attacked him (I was never even interviewed) and had been harassing him for money (of course I was calling him about money. I had two children to support and was left with nothing). He used the system to get Victim Support (for the false and fake accusation that I had attacked him) and also saw a counsellor through his GP (so two lots of support paid for by the tax payer). He also managed to get half the child benefit paid to him. The only way he could get to me was financially.
 

In the past he had been violent but from the day I asked him to leave, he never touched me again.

 
And that’s my story. I was sucked into his charm and then little by little over many many years, it all started to become clear. I saw the light. My children are young, but already they make little comments and although they don’t know what they are really saying, they are obviously starting to feel that he is not quite right, that he is not the same as the positive role models in their lives. They can see the difference. When an 8-year-old says to you “Dad pretends to not have money to make us feel sorry for him” – you know that the kid is sharp.
 
I’d be really interested to hear what others experienced with their narcissist ex. I think my account is probably pretty typical especially the part when you find out who they really are. When they realise that you have unmasked them, they lose their cool. Discovering that the person you have been with for years is not the person you thought they were can be pretty terrifying.
 
The person you thought loved you turns into a monster and will stop at nothing to destroy you, your life and future happiness. You have to look to the future and stay focused and get through. You have to go no contact as much as possible. If you have children be aware of the gaslighting which will happen until you don’t have to deal with him anymore, when the children are adults. You have to make a plan for your own destiny and future, dream again, be independent
 
 
I have experience of all the terminology regularly used for narcissists.
Enablers – Wikipedia says ‘In a negative sense, “enabling” can describe dysfunctional behaviour approaches that are intended to help resolve a specific problem but in fact may perpetuate or exacerbate the problem. A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility or blame, or make accommodations for a person’s harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person himself or herself does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change.’
 
My experience of enablers was a couple who decided to stick their noses into my business and provide what they called a ‘safe house’ for my ex to see the children. The bigger picture is that he didn’t need a safe house as he was supposed to see them at a contact centre, but of course, the contact centre was not good enough for the Narcissist as it is not the kind of place he wants to be seen with his grandiose exterior. These enablers didn’t see the bigger picture; that the courts were preventing my ex from seeing the children for good reason; violence and para suicide.
 
My ex went to them with sob stories and actually told them that he felt for me! This is again typical narcissistic behaviour. I was the one in shock and left in the crap and ranting and he was the one playing the soft ‘victim’. I looked like the crazy one. They failed to see beyond his lies or the end of their noses. It didn’t seem to cross their minds to wonder why the children and I were left homeless by this wealthy man and his family. Why did they never ask themselves why we were forced into a homeless shelter? They offered to allow the perpetrator to spend the day at theirs to see the children he abused, but didn’t offer the real victim a roof over her head with the children and a refuge. Their ‘help’ was limited to the gossip they could get. Enablers will always send the real victim communications saying that they “don’t want to take sides”.
 
 
In my case, it soon became apparent to the intelligent people in the community that my ex was the perpetrator and in fact, now, several years on, I have had school parents apologizing to me for not helping me out. They were themselves so confused by the narcissists behaviour, they didn’t see what was really happening. Enablers are there for the drama.
 
The other enabler was and still is the group known as my ex’s family. Since I told him to leave, I have not heard one word from them, but then I didn’t hear from them during our marriage either. I don’t actually know if that was because they didn’t want to communicate with me or if they were manipulated by him to not speak to me. They didn’t bother with the children either. I have a feeling that my ex didn’t want a relationship formed between myself and his family as he would have to live in a real and truthful word. With no line of communication, he was able to live two separate lives very easily as his family lived in Europe.
 
 
I look forward to seeing your comments on this blog.
 
 
Written by a First Wives Blogger
 
Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.


Get the latest stories!

Comments

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Loading…

0

Comments

0 comments

Warning! Dating Fraud

The truth about student living