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Ten signs your mature relationship is working

Starting a new relationship can be scary when you are in your ‘Autumn’ years. There are lots of things to consider, some call it ‘baggage’; children, ageing parents, the ex. Here are some signs which indicate that things are going well.

Your opinion is valued.

You like going to theatre but your partner prefers the pub. You are able to fit both options into your life together, or alternatively, your partner doesn’t throw a fit if you do the things you enjoy with your friends because he doesn’t want to go to the theatre.

See what’s happening here? It’s called compromise. You don’t like doing something your partner really enjoys, so they do it with friends instead. You love seeing your partner happy and content.

You don’t feel jealous.

You are ok with your partner going out with friends, staying overnight in hotels with work and having trips away with pals. Nothing has happened to make you feel jealous and your partner has no need to be jealous of you. You feel safe and secure. A lot of jealousy is caused by one partner intentionally trying to make the other feel jealous; name dropping of exes or saying that someone chatted them up… mentioning how fit their ex was and minutes later asking if you are off to the gym and when you are out together, they flirt with others. This kind of stuff is crap and uncalled for. If you find yourself suffering with a bit of the old ‘green eyed monster’, ask yourself why you are feeling that way. If it’s because your partner is saying or doing little things to make you jealous. Ditch them as those games were played when you were a teenager.

You share

and it’s done nicely and amicably. Neither party feels weird around money. The odds are that one of you, if you are divorced, came out of the situation worse off than the other. If you came out as the positive, you feel ok sharing what you have with your partner and you don’t worry or feel bitter at paying for the odd night out or even holiday as you enjoy your partners company. In fact, you don’t even think about it. You are enjoying the moment. Bitterness can come along if you are paying for things, but find yourself thinking ‘what if we split in the future?’ If you are going to be in a relationship where you are the ‘payer’, you can’t think about the future outcome regarding finances. If you want to spend money on your partner, you are doing that in the ‘now’, you can’t think of paying for a holiday as an ‘investment’ in the relationship or a tie to the other person, that’s just wrong. It wouldn’t be right to start listing everything you paid for if you did split. Spend with no strings attached and with pleasure, or not at all. By the same token, you are pleased that your partner contributes to the relationship in other ways and the little things they do pay for mean the world to you. You recognise the effort they are putting in. If there is no effort and it’s all take take take, then it’s time to re-evaluate.

If you don’t want to spend your money, then either don’t or alternatively, consider that you need to be in a relationship of financial equality. If you are the negative financial factor in the relationship, you do everything you can to help with the finances and you don’t spend your whole time feeling guilty because you can’t afford to pay for the holiday or night out. If your partner is constantly reminding you about the amount of money they are spending on you, get out. There is no point in enjoying a night out and then having the fact that you couldn’t pay, thrown back in your face at every future opportunity.

If your partner is behaving in this way, there is either a trust issue or they are trying to control the future. It can be almost as though they spent money on you to argue about it later.

Be on your guard for romance fraudsters. Love is blind. Are you spending and getting nothing back? Does your partner seem to have money for other things but when it comes to helping you out, they are ‘poor?’ Do they play the victim? They can’t get a decent job, have to give their children money (and they are in their 20’s and no longer on child maintenance) or a number of other excuses. Maybe you see that they are not attempting to increase their earnings. Don’t lend people money unless you are really certain. Seek legal advice if you feel very suspicious.

You’ve met friends and family it may not be immediate, but at least after a few months you are introduced to the friends that may have been part of their former life. If there are children, expect to be introduced at some point if things become serious, when the time is right for everyone. If friends or family are not pleasant to you, then expect your partner to stand up for you. Afterall, it wasn’t your fault that the relationship with the former partner ended. Even if you were the ‘other man or woman,’ there must have been a reason for your partner to stray in the first place. People don’t leave perfect, happy relationships. It’s the same if you are dating someone who’s partner has died. If you receive animosity, expect your partner to deal with it.

it may not be immediate, but at least after a few months you are introduced to the friends that may have been part of their former life. If there are children, expect to be introduced at some point if things become serious, when the time is right for everyone. If friends or family are not pleasant to you, then expect your partner to stand up for you. Afterall, it wasn’t your fault that the relationship with the former partner ended. Even if you were the “other man or woman”, there must have been a reason for your partner to stray in the first place. People don’t leave perfect, happy relationships. It’s the same if you are dating someone who’s partner has died. If you receive animosity, expect your partner to deal with it.

If parents are still alive, you should be introduced. If you feel as though you are being kept a secret, don’t be afraid to confront your partner. At the end of the day, you should be able to communicate.

You share your lives. It may not be immediate as there are bigger issues to consider, but after a time, it should be normal for you to become involved in all parts of your partner’s life. If your partner spends the whole time considering the exes feelings, a discussion needs to be had. There’s a party and you can’t go in case a certain friend is there; you can’t go to that restaurant in case the ex is there. Life goes on and your feelings have to be taken into consideration too. Maybe that little Italian on the High Street is your fave restaurant. The fact that the ex might be there must not stop you doing what you enjoy. If it really could be awkward then your partner sending a quick polite text to tell their ex that you are both going to be there should suffice. Who needs drama?

You both want the same things – to put it bluntly, time is precious and it’ running out, so if you don’t want the same things out of life, look for someone else? Why put up with second best? At the end of the day, whatever happened, this is your second chance at a new life so grab it with both hands. You want to get married again and your partner definitely doesn’t. You want to move to the coast when you retire and your partner never wants to move again. It can come down to finances too; you want to travel the world and your partner can’t fund that. If there is no compromise, don’t live to regret not doing what you always wanted to do. Life is for living.

You argue, discuss and debate in a healthy way – you are both very full-grown adults with many experiences under your belt. You have opinions and feel able to express them to each other. You have arguments but nothing too terrible. You both voice your point-of -view and the same person doesn’t win every time. You feel able to stand your ground in the relationship and are listened to. There is give and take. Sometimes you back down and sometimes your partner does. You both feel valued.

You talk about the future – You start to discuss the future and have plans.

You talk about “you” as a couple – The ex may have been the hot topic of conversation at the beginning, but little by little they are spoken about less as you both become more interested in each other and your future plans. If your partner spends their time being bitter and conjuring up plans to get back at their ex, then forget it. There’s too much toxicity and that’s not healthy. Even if your partner is in the depths of a horrid divorce and you do find yourself talking about it LOTS, you do at least find that your downtime is spent talking about you as a couple and you start making future plans.

The sex is amazing – even though you may be in your later years, if you want to have sex, then have it. If you are with someone who is failing in this department then that’s no good! You need to be with someone who satisfies your needs, whatever your age. If you are not getting what you really want out of the relationship, there will be disappointment in this area. For example, just because you are 60, doesn’t mean you don’t want and can’t have a great time in the bedroom. Only be with your equal.

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Financial encounters of the divorced kind

Date before you define?