HELP! My life has shattered into tiny pieces

by Group Hug Guest Blogger March 18, 2019, 4:04 pm 1.4k Views

Founder message. This is a blog by a member.

It will touch many of you in lots of ways and I think you will agree that she has written it from the heart. You can almost hear her anxiety as she desperately fights to regain control of her life and keep her children, her life thrown into turmoil as her partner cheated on her. She attempts to find answers in the family court….

He has broken her trust, so why would she trust him with her children? She is petrified that something is going to happen to them and they are the only “normal” left to hang onto.

It was December 2007 and I thought I had met the man of my dreams; how very wrong I was.

I met someone I worked with when he was invited to my sales conference and then, following the Christmas party we were communicating on a regular basis. He told me he was separated from his wife, living with his parents and filing for divorce, he was based in Scotland and he would come and visit me at weekends.

August 2008, he left Scotland and moved in with me in Berkshire.
November 2009, we had our first child.
April 2011, we lost a baby at 11 weeks pregnant
July 2012, we had our second son.

We never had any issues, and he got on well with all the family. I held back from my career and stayed at home. He was determined that he would become a CFO before he was 40.

He is 6 years my junior.

He whisked me off to New York for my 40th telling me that he wasn’t going to propose like people thought. I would often call him Mr Tin as he was not what I would describe as ‘lovey dovey’ in any way, His response was to say that his first wife would say the same thing. He wouldn’t even hold my hand.

He would tell me about his first wife and say that she moaned, always arguing about something, even down to what he wore etc. I just believed it all as she was still living in Scotland and I knew nothing about her, except what he told me and that they had met through work. I had no reason not to believe him.

I was mainly always at home and he would come home at bath time. We never had date nights as there were no baby sitters nearby and by 2014 felt like I was living with a brother. He said he couldn’t have sex as he had a lot of work on his mind and couldn’t shut off.

Couples counselling

I broached the subject and told him that this wasn’t normal and he went on to tell me that this had also happened with his wife. I tried to help him and suggested that maybe he should go and chat to someone as it was him who had an issue, not me. I wanted to be with him. He actually agreed with me and went to see a counsellor at Relate. After a couple of sessions, they said that we should attend together, they said we need to reconnect and be adults not just parents.

In October 2014 he got his CFO job and returned to his old company. He also started to recruit for a new Financial Controller.

Life was good and we got the sex back on track and went out for his birthday. I remember that he bought me underwear in November 2014 and on January 29th 2015, just a few weeks after that, he rang me on the house phone to tell me that he wasn’t coming home. He explained that he had checked into one of his hotels for 5 weeks and needed to think.

Uncovering the cheating

The child minder had rung me during the day to say he was late again dropping off my youngest and she was fed up with him. Looking back, it now explains it all as when I arrived home that day, half the wardrobe was empty so he had obviously been packing suitcases. That was why he was delayed. I remember thinking that he had left all his crap clothes behind.

After the shock I started to play detective as my gut told me there was a woman involved!

I kept asking him “why”; on the phone, on texts, on email and he would just tell me that he didn’t know what I wanted him to say and that he needed time to think. The weird thing was that he would come back to the house to wash and iron his clothes, see the kids and have sex with me.

What he forgot was that he and I had the same login details for our employee hotel website to book cheap hotels. It was easy, as every time I was given a story when he couldn’t visit the boys, I would log into this and there would be hotels booked. I would open his paper bank statements and see hotels and restaurant’s listed. It got as far as March 2015 and I couldn’t hold it any longer; I told him what I knew, and he denied everything. He accused me of being mad and crazy and said that there was no one else. He said that he was with colleagues…blah blah blah. I couldn’t believe him as all the hotels were on the system as pdf right in front of my eyes and they even stated room service, parking and everything else that he did.

He has never admitted, even to this day that he was in hotels. Back then he would look me in the eye and lie with great ease. I knew he was seeing her as I found texts on his phone with kisses and she would be asking him if she should she book the hotel.

He had tried to cover his tracks but failed.

One night his reply to her was “my life is beyond fucked up, yeah book the hotel, I just have to be careful because of the boys”.

I was a fool and didn’t come out of the main screen, so when he came out of the shower, he must have seen that I had been on his phone. The following morning when while we were still in bed he asked if I had checked his phone and I replied “yes”. He said he was trying to book a load of hotel rooms for his friends….. lol lol lol. He must have thought I was born yesterday!

I asked him if all of his friends sent him 13 kisses and he didn’t reply. After that, he added a lock to his phone.

I checked his LinkedIn and looked for women in the company I didn’t already know. My son had seen a text message on his phone and overheard phone calls; he had actually had this woman on speaker talking to my kids!

My son had heard a first name so I played around on the internet and found her! She was working for him and was based at the company Head Office in Glasgow, Scotland.

He has a finance team for all the hotels, but his main team were based in Glasgow.

He left me

When he finally left me, he abandoned everything in the house so I had to get the neighbours to help me remove all his stuff. During the clear-out we ventured into the loft and it was there that we found the divorce papers, dates quoted; he had been seeing me and had not actually left his wife until the end of February 2008!

He had been seeing the kids and sleeping with me for over 3 months while living in the 4-star hotel when I said enough is enough. I forced him to tell me the truth and asked him if he was coming home. His response was “I don’t think I can come home. I did not think life would be like this with two kids!” At that time, our sons were just 5 and 2½.

The narcissists mask had slipped

We were in a London hotel that night; March 8th 2015. He had sex with me again but had left the room around 2am with the excuse that he had to make a call to his Father. I now believe the call was to her.

I told the school he had left and was having AN AFFAIR
I emailed all his friends in Scotland as they had no clue
I wrote to his Mother and texted his Father and contacted his Aunts and Uncle. His father replied, telling me to “move on and get over it!”
His Aunt and Uncle know they truth AND we have remained good friends.
His friends in Scotland are now only a WhatsApp group!
I am guessing the hell I am living is his revenge for me telling everyone what happened.
He is her boss.

That morning we collected the boys and he told them he wouldn’t be living with them anymore. The boys and I were so upset he was asked to leave.

Once the fact that he wouldn’t be living with us was all confirmed, he barely saw the kids. His weekends were busy (made-up lies) and his week days were busy, again, made-up lies. It wasn’t until April 2015 that he realised where I was getting all my information from and he promptly changed the password on the hotel account.

When I found out who she was I blocked her from Facebook and LinkedIn and he was also blocked from LinkedIn. He doesn’t have a Facebook account.

I would get many texts and emails from him telling me that he was remembering the good times and how much he missed me; how he was sorry and it was all his fault.

Getting legal help

It got so bad I had to get a solicitor to set up access for the boys and also to sort out the finances. We owned the house together.

He got himself a flat and the kids were struggling with it all, especially the eldest, who had massive anxiety issues around what was happening. To this day, he still attends a class in school to help him with this.

One day when he was living at the flat, I was collecting the children from him. My youngest son was walking to the car crying; he had a split lip! I queried this straight away and he told me when he got to the car that he had no idea how it had happened. I took a picture of this and sent it to my ex who replied saying that I must have done it to him, getting him into the car!

On his third email of trying to cover his tracks he said he must have bit his lip! My youngest told me he had fallen off the sofa and banged his face on the floor! When this was presented to Cafcass in court, (where I was questioned for emotionally abusing my sons) I was ignored and he was believed, you should see the photo! It’s absolutely unbelievable!

Yeah. He leaves me with the children and everything else that goes with that, but…..I carry on with my 40 hours a week job, with no time off!

I get a new child minder

I potty trained my youngest son

In the meantime, my world of nearly 8 years has blown up like a bomb in the sea!

On his weekends my eldest son had to attend A&E twice. On the first occasion he cracked his head open. My ex said that my son had slipped. My son told me that he was playing football alone while his father was on his phone. For the second visit, my son trapped his finger in a car door. His father said he done it to himself and my son said his father was standing at the boot of the car texting.

When I took photos of these accidents and questioned him, he then applied to the courts and tried to have the boys removed from me; for emotional and mental abuse as I was taking photos of them!

In March 2016, hell began and court still continues now, it’s been 3 years. He told the judges he had a partner and a serious and committed relationship (surprise surprise… not!) He wanted the boys to meet her and I applied to the courts against this.

In April 2016 he brought “his thing” with him to court to a room on another level, so as not to be seen.

He wanted to introduce her to the boys and I said no and tried to stop this and listed why. I couldn’t understand why Cafcass were at the second hearing as they had already said that I was not emotionally abusing the boys and that he just needed to use a hand-over book!

We were then told that Cafcass had interviewed her and the judges agreed with Cafcass and she was fine and could meet me boy. My wishes and concerns were chucked out! She told Cafcass that her and him had only thought about the boys and they came first before they fell for each other! She added that she had experience with kids as she had babysat for her cousins!!!!

After the hearing, his barrister informed my barrister that they were moving in together and that she was moving from Scotland to be with him. So, as I thought, he had employed her, kept her in his Glasgow head office and was going there most weekends and then had to move her down. He got her transferred to his London office where was based! Well he is her boss and he is the CFO!

He was advised by Cafcass to take it easy with the boys, one step at a time and to discuss it all with me. He was advised not to move her in straight away etc; he ignored it all, she was living with him by the end of the week.

Previous to this, I found out that he was taking the boys on his weekends with them, to see her. I had no clue about where the boys were until they were returned to me on a Sunday evening. They told me they had been staying in hotels, in the same room as her! My eldest son would tell me that she was in the bed with her black night dress and daddy was just in his pants.

All this time, up until September 2016 he said no to everything I stated I wanted for the boys in the order. It got to the point where my barrister was saying to just agree with him, otherwise we will be in court every day! The court hearings cost my family £50k

We agreed an order and in October 2016 we asked for the draft copy. He then said he had changed his mind, and made lots of changes dragging it out until July 2017!

During that time, he had taken her to New York in March 2017 and proposed to her.

Again, after getting what he wanted, the order was signed in July 2017.

In April 2018 they married in New York, a friend had seen it on her Facebook page.

During the two years of litigation he and his legal team, in every statement, accused me of many things;

Crazy
Mentally unstable
I had attended anger management classes
The boys had witnessed abuse he had suffered under me
He said he had medical evidence to say that I had ‘issues’
I was not safe to be around
I had threatened him for years,
His new partner was terrified of me
The school had concerns about me
I was out to destroy his life
I would stalk him on social media
The relationship had been dead for years

Every lying statement he has provided, has destroyed me as a parent and a woman, it’s vile!

He has never kept to the order, not collecting the kids, being late, taking them on a flight without informing me, not allowing my eldest son attend his holy communion classes (I’m a catholic and so are my sons) He is Church of Scotland. He has breached the order a total of three times.

Because things were not working, I applied to the court to amend the order and we were in court in July 2018. The perjury, defamation of character started again, only this time worse.

These vile statements were always allowed into court and he was never once spoken to about these comments and never had any evidence to back it up.

We were told to return to court in September 2018 and to supply a full statement as to why I wished to amendment the order.

His own sons didn’t even know he was married but he told the courts they did know as they were with him at the wedding! They weren’t! It was all a complete fabrication. Seven people went to New York and my sons were not any of those 7!

For the record please note:

I don’t call him
I don’t email him
I don’t ring him
I have never ever spoken to her
He brings her to all school events and sits nowhere near me,
The school are aware of his affair and carry-on and have said they can’t help me

He had the nerve to unveil her to everyone at my son’s rugby awards in May 2015! My son was upset and crying and said he had brought his parents with him. My ex had emailed me before saying there was to be no scene at the rugby.

I have not verbally spoken to him since July 2015 sports day.

(He does this a lot; sends an email warning me to not to create a scene, so this is his pre-plan, to make you look crazy, therefore he is trying to protect himself)

To cover his wedding lie story, he actually went to the trouble of taking the boys to Ascot Races the day after the July hearing. They all dressed up in suits, including the boys and this was the photo he would use for the court hearing in September 2018 as the wedding photos!

There was no England Wedding Party or reception and this was confirmed by some of his family. It was a secret wedding.

At the September hearing he told the court he didn’t have a first wife to leave and never left me. He went onto say that he would never speak to me again as he was terrified of me and said that he and his wife were due a baby in January 2019!

He would never allow me to meet his wife.

The court asked him to bring her in 4 times and he said no on all occasions. I found out that he was leaving my kids with her over-night on his weekends when he wasn’t even there!

He made a deal with the Judges…and they agreed his deal…the deal was…he said I could meet her, in the room with all the judges and the court barrister but I was to ask her no questions, tell her nothing about me and his relationship or tell her anything about his previous relationships. I was not to ask her anything about what the children may have quoted she had said.

She walked in, shook my hand and didn’t look at me.

The Judges nearly fell over her, thanked her for coming and said how difficult it must be for her! I said “what’s the point in this?” as I shook her hand.

They told us to be civil to each other and to come back in December 2018 for an update.

If anything, it became even worse. We still didn’t speak and he would chuck the school bags and dirty clothes by my feet at the front door. She is in the car at every drop off, every collection from my house and when he does collect them from school, she is with him or he sends her to go in and get them.

She reclines the seat in the car so you see her, the boys showed me what she does with her seat, no one speaks.

School coats and school shoes caked in mud
Sometimes the boys are not even washed for bed
No reading books done
Returned home late

Since the September hearing she has collected the boys from school on seven occasions and he is not spending time with them again.

He has also breached the order twice.

So, as planned we went back to court and I had to give evidence of all this. I attached his emails, my son’s diary of his anxieties and a list of what the boys want and have asked for. The Judge said she didn’t have the statement’s so I gave her both and asked if she needed ten minutes to read them. She said she didn’t and then proceeded to ask me for an update and then him.

Well you can imagine his reply. He said I was mad. He revoked back to his statements of last year, he said he had concerns for the welfare of our kids.

He started again:

I was obsessed with him
I couldn’t accept the fact he was happy and married
They were both terrified of me
That I live in a dark cold bleak house
I strip the boys every day they come in from school and it’s so cold in the house
I’m battling with personal issues
That the children are often so upset he has never seen anything like it and they are not wanting to live with me
That he will never ever speak with me, it would take years for him to get over the harassment he has suffered
He has concerns for the welfare of his sons
I provide no cream for my son
I don’t put the handover book in the bag

On and on and on

The Judge stated…

I was pathetic, why should he clean shoes, they live with me so that’s my job.
What does it matter who collects them, they get returned to me don’t they?
Everyone gets stuck on the motorway home from work.
Why should he change his plans for my sons to attend religious classes?
My sons don’t need to speak to me while they are with their father on his weekend
So, he doesn’t speak to me, that’s his choice, what do I expect them to do about it
I offered my sons diaries for them to read, the barrister shook her head and said no!

I was completely destroyed in court.

She didn’t even read the email and evidence I supplied. Then said they would go and chat for 20 minutes to discuss a section 37, where the kids would be removed from my home and he could apply for full custody while I was being investigated!

I was shaking in my chair, he sat there as cool as you like.

How could this be happening?

She came back and said she was not going to change anything I had asked for, that I had been very lucky today and if she sees me back in court ever again, she will have my children removed from my care.

Yes. British justice and family law at its finest.

He walked out into the corridor and met ‘her’ and they both started laughing.

Can I just say this is a man who doesn’t pay full child maintenance as ‘she’ earns so much money that the government cap it at £150k.

He earns more than this and that thing earns around £90k!

He gets £50k a year bonus
On the board of directors
On the board of directors
Free health care
Car allowance

I pay the mortgage on a joint owed house
After school fees
School trips
School dinners
School uniform
All the house bills

He does nothing, pays for nothing, doesn’t even do school homework!

After the court hearing, he emailed me and asked me to sell the house. He said that if I don’t sell, he wants £75k pay out, I ignored the email.

My son has been returned home twice to me with rashes from swimming. When I have asked my son, he has told the truth and the school have confirmed that he has not collected the children on those evenings. I have photos of the rashes and when I questioned it you can imagine the reply,

I am mad
There is no rash
He collected them from school
He took him swimming

Blah, blah…

The constant lying

So, I questioned it a second time. I got the same answers, so I said fine, I will speak with you about this.

Then one Thursday evening they arrive to drop off the boys and there is a surprise waiting for me as she is in the back with the new baby, window down.

I said to my son, “Daddy seems a bit confused about how you got the rash and about who took you swimming. Did you have the rash after swimming? Who took you swimming?”

My son told the same truth again and this time his father says “yes buddy that’s right she did take you swimming.” I said to my son, “thanks for clearing that up.”

AGAIN, CAUGHT OUT ON ANOTHER LIE….. (Why the need to lie? Just tell the truth?)

It was at this point that I went to turn around and go into my home when the fish wife started screaming from the car, throwing her hands and arms in the air; the baby screaming. She was saying something along the lines of “what’s it got to do with YOU? what difference does it make? It’s none of your business!”

I stood at the door and calmly said “close your mouth and go home”.

I live on a very nice quiet lane! Less than 15 mins later the deluded ‘best cover ourselves’ email arrives.

I am mad

I am a disgrace as a mother of a 9-year-old
He has never seen behaviour like it
He says my behaviour was disgusting
I have been warned by the court
I am emotionally destroying my son

Blah, blah…

So, when I reply with the truth, I get the same deluded email again.

Why released me from the narcissist

This was all witnessed by the neighbours. So now I have had to install CCTV outside the house!

I got a text one Saturday morning, asking me to have the boys and I asked why. I was given no reason and received no reply until I heard the doorbell at 9.30am. I opened the door to find my boys left standing on the doorstep and he had simply driven off. He didn’t tell them, or I if he was returning. I later found out she had the baby on the Sunday. I had to cancel all my plans for the weekend so she could have the baby.

He has now contacted the CSA and told them that he has another child to support, and they have reduced my maintenance by 20%. Therefore, the payments I get are now short of the mortgage. This would be ok, but he has plenty of money to look after his other two children, but he doesn’t think like that.

I believe this will never end and it’s now affecting my health.

Written by a member.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.