The Group Hug
We have only though about the top ten things you can do wrong during your divorce; there are more!
You turn to booze to numb the pain
It starts with friends coming out of the woodwork to hear the scandal. They arrive with open ears and armed with Pinot. The more intoxicated they can get you, the more open you will be and the gossip will be better quality. You look like “death warmed up” on the school run and everyone looks at you with pity. Be aware of how much alcohol you are consuming and try to cut back. It’s not doing you any long-term favours and you are making rash decisions when inebriated.
They are discussing drinking too much in the Forum – join in here
Drinking leads into sending messages or emails…
which you regret the following morning. These can be to your ex, the new partner, the friend who doesn’t appear to be “on your side”. You don’t hold back. The next morning, as you open one eye, you remember; you spend the rest of the day “hanging” and worrying about the consequences of your unedited blurb. The worst thing is that you do it again…. And again…. And again. Try and cut down on your booze and when sober really think hard about what you are doing when drunk.
Do you have a support network of friends and family?
For many people, social media offers a way to cope with a family breakdown with support from friends, online forums and advice. However social media can also prove to be a useful source of evidence in many cases and it is important to understand the pitfalls of posting.
We always advise our clients to avoid using social media in any form to express their frustration or disappointment in connection with their divorce. Not many people realise that the posts can be used as evidence if the case ends up in court. The momentary feeling of satisfaction is simply not worth the trouble it may cause later.
If you feel frustrated or emotional in respect of your divorce, you are better to call a family member or a friend to discuss it with them or speak to your solicitor about how you feel.”
Jemma Slavin – Stowe Family Law
Find Jemma in The Hug Directory
This is exactly why we set up an anonymous forum for The Group Hug. We completely agree that posting in so called “closed” groups, where one is clearly identifiable is not good practice. Post anonymously in our forum
Alison – Director – The Group Hug Ltd
You think that the person you are divorcing is going to be honest,
truthful and helpful and everything will run like clockwork. You will soon be divorced. You are deluded. What really happens is that both of you become absolute arseholes and start to behave in a way neither of you have experienced before. Bitter and twisted, argumentative, you both want to win this war! Try and take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Can you take the higher moral ground and let them win some minor battles to cool things down?
You battle over small things
which really don’t matter such as who’s having the Barbeque. Arguments are rife and range from who’s taking the goldfish, to the fact that you gave little Molly deep fried shit for supper. Your ex is the worst parent in the world and you are so angry that they allowed your 10-year-old to play an age 12 game on the Xbox. This needs reporting to Child Services! Everything gets out of hand and there is no reasoning. Really think about what is important. There is no harm in letting your ex feel as though they are winning as in the longer term YOU are winning because it will be over much quicker and you will be free.
How about counselling to get you through your divorce?
You slag off your ex
to anyone who will listen. People are interested when the drama first unfolds, but you soon become old news. You want everyone you know to be on YOUR SIDE. Your ex is a C U next Tuesday and you want the world and his wife to know! You never want anyone to speak to your ex again and if they do…. then in your head, they are the enemy too. Don’t put friends and family in the position where they should take sides. Be the better person and bite your tongue whenever you can.
The Divorce defines who you are
You get suffocated by the whole thing and it’s Groundhog Day. It’s all you think about, day and night and it’s the only thing you talk about. Is it any wonder friends start to drift off? You become boring and uninteresting to be around. To some extent you can’t help it as your ex really is making things difficult. However, you really should make some time to do things which are not to do with the divorce. Get back to the gym, go out and don’t mention the D-word.
You don’t look after yourself
You’ve lost your appetite and are hitting the booze. You might have started smoking again and are taking sex risks as you turn to serial dating to get you through the worst. Ending up in bed with virtual strangers makes your feel attractive and wanted again and you have the most amazing body as you’ve lost so much weight with the stress, adrenaline and lack of food. You have up days and super low days on your journey. Every day is a rollercoaster. Try and take a step back and look at yourself. What are you eating? What are you doing with your life? Is having sex with 3 different people in a week really right? What are you gaining from your life right now?
You turn to social media
to get back at your ex, even if you don’t admit that to yourself, that’s what you are doing. You are not even divorced and you are posting photos of yourself with your new partner on Facebook. It’s not very clever. Friends tell you how amazing and happy you look, but they are really thinking that the indentation on your ring finger hasn’t even gone and there you are “in love” again. You hit the so called “closed and secret” divorce groups on Facebook to dish the dirt on your ex. You tell complete strangers EVERYTHING, not realizing that there are people in the group who know you, who in turn tell others. You rant and rage and reveal your legal plans. You’re at your best when you’ve had a few drinks. You lose your inhibitions and the words start to flow. More “next day sober regrets” as your posts come back to haunt you. You become and serial-poster – an abundance of photos showing how amazingly happy you are right now. Surrounded by friends, doing things you haven’t done for years as you were “married”.
You become unavailable to your children;
because you are so consumed by the divorce,
You have so much paperwork to sort out and you just have to go through your ex’s bank statements again. The Judge is going to go mad when they see that he went out for a meal instead of paying the gas bill (the reality is that the Judge probably won’t give a shit). The fridge is ready-meal city and you forgot to take little George to that birthday party last weekend. You have so much on your plate. You are grateful that the Xbox Nanny keeps the children amused for 12 hours a day.
You hit the credit cards
and get deeper into debt. You really need that new dress or shirt for the dating scene because retail therapy is making you feel better. You are going out many nights a week to try and block out what is happening and spending a fortune on takeaways as you haven’t got time to cook. When it’s all over, you are left with a mountain of debt and regret to deal with. You are spending a fortune on endless legal letters to the “other side”. You send lengthy emotional emails to your solicitor which in turn cost a fortune for her to read. If only you just got to the point. Do you even need to send half of those emails? Your ex wants the Goldfish, let them have it. It’s cheaper to buy a new one than to spend a thousand pounds arguing just so you can be the “winner”. Look at the bigger picture and reassess what you are doing.
If you are in trouble with your finances – find help in our resources area
Great article! The running theme throughout really is that it’s up to you how you respond to your situation. Your actions are within your control, and they can make a huge difference to how your separation goes, and to how you feel. So keep that texting finger/thumb still, don’t torture yourself with social media, and avoid those destructive habits that make you feel worse in the long run. My top tip whenever you want to fire off an angry response? 4 words. Stop. Breathe. Think. Act.