Group Hug Guest Blogger
Tired and bored of Tinder (and i’ll admit… after a few “sherbets”, I decided to up my game and polish the silver. For me, my very own Mr Grey is sexy, funny and reliable.
After-all, I would love nothing more than to wake up with the monochrome haired George Clooney.
I am 42 and on that eventful evening I upped my age limit to 55+ to bring some more fish into the love pond.
That was four years ago and I am now totally in love with the most amazing and generous older man who is 16 years my senior. This blog is with regards to dating men or women who, I believe, in their 50’s are a safe bet. So, guys and gals, give it a go, slide that age scale upwards and find fierce love somewhere in a grey place you may never have expected.
Children
If you both have your own children with previous partners, there will probably also be a generous age gap between them too, and this can work out really well. There will be no competition between yours and your partners children on the parenting front. One set will probably love spending time with you both doing more grown up stuff such as having a meal out, going to the pub or just having a movie night-in with a few drinks and on the otherhand, the younger ones will enjoy doing kids stuff such as days out to the zoo or kicking a ball around in the park.
There will not be much of a cross-over with regards to interests and this should eradicate any jealousy. Just remember to communicate what you are doing with one set to the other and have no secrets.
Some parents find it difficult to let their older children know that they have done something with their partners younger kids that they didn’t do with them when they were younger. Often there is a lot of over-thinking going on in terms of “guilt”, which actually shouldn’t exist.
Older children will be happy that you are doing age appropriate things with them such as having an evening out as adults. They will not be dwelling on the past and the fact that you didn’t ever take them to Twycross Zoo, yet accompanied your partners children there last weekend will not faze them. Adult children will just be happy that you are happy.
One thing to consider, if you don’t have children: Do you want children? Make sure you think long and hard about the sacrifice of not having children either together as a couple, if your partner doesn’t want children, or more children if you do have kids but would like a child in a new relationship.
You could regret giving up the opportunity of ever having children with someone else if that was in your life plan. If you really want children and your older partner doesn’t then you need to get yourself back onto the dating scene as time is precious.
Mindset
Meeting someone who has been living life’s rich tapestry for longer than yourself, is more likely to be set in their ways. They will probably know exactly what they want and when they want it and you may find that they will be more unlikely and reluctant to change.
Wellness and Dating are related
An older partner will not be totally inflexible though, just don’t expect them to make huge changes once you are in a relationship. This doesn’t mean that your silver fox will not have a youthful outlook on life, especially if they have both their teenage children, and you to keep them in the modern now!
Legals
When you find yourself in a committed relationship with a much older person it is so important to review your finances together. If he or she is receiving a pension, on their death the pension paid to you will routinely be reduced if you are more than 10 years younger. In some very rare cases, you may not qualify for a pension if you are not married or in a civil partnership together.
You will find that life insurance will probably be more expensive for them than for you. At any age it is prudent to make a Will and complete Powers of Attorney. The chances are he/she will die and/or suffer serious medical problems before you. It is important you both have these documents. Now is the time to plan for these events.
Your partner/spouse may have children and/or other dependants from previous relationships. You need to understand what financial obligations he/she may have towards them – for example, in relation to rights of ownership of your home (which may impact upon your right of occupation in the property).
Finally, in the event you have married and subsequently divorce, you should bear in mind their financial needs may be greater than yours – not least because he/she will have fewer years in which to earn an income. In retirement, they may need to keep more of their pension benefits as this may be their only income source.
And the moral, do not be afraid to discuss these issues with your spouse/partner. Do it now, before it’s too late…………
James Myatt – Solicitor – Gregg Latchams – The Hug Directory
Interests and friends
We all use things such as favourite music and clothes to express and define who we are. If you don’t like your partners vinyl record collection of 70’s favourites, you will have to decide whether or not you can get used to it or not.
It can also be quite isolating to be at an event with a whole bunch of people who are into something you are not (and have maybe never heard of!) You could find yourself around people who are talking about times which existed before you were even a twinkle in your daddy’s eye and that’s not easy.
It’s the same for the older party in the relationship; spending time with a group of people talking about music they enjoyed in their 20’s when they were clubbing, when they themselves were in their 40’s and were well over that period of their life, can make your partner feel old and distant from you.
You may also find it difficult to relate to your partners friends’ and you will have to get used to the “cradle snatcher” jokes and the eye rolling from women in particular, who may even mutter the words “sugar daddy”.
Sex
It’s widely suggested that women peak sexually between around 25 and 40 and men between 18 and 25 but everyone is different. Bear in mind that someone who is older will probably have a lot more experience in the bedroom department and will throw caution to the wind in this area.
The confessions of a Tinder male
Many people dating someone older say that sex is much more satisfying than with a “same age partner” as there’s been more time for the more mature member of the team to perfect their technique. Many of those dating someone younger say that because their other half is more youthful, they really want to please them and put in more effort to show that age makes no difference. They are more thoughtful and honest between the sheets and for a more mature partner, there’s no time like the present and definitely no time to lose.
Health
Of course, as we get older the more health problems we may encounter. Men and Women of a certain age do suffer with particular issues and these problems have to be taken on-board by a younger partner if things are going to work out, so consider the future implications carefully.
If you don’t want to end up caring for someone in their old age, then maybe it’s time to end the relationship before the conversation gets too tricky or you start to resent your lack of freedom. Bear in mind that YOU will be getting older too, as any people forget that they are also ageing. The gap stays the same; you may be 42 and 58 now, but in a few years time you will be 65 and your partner will 81. There’s nothing to say that you won’t get terribly sick first. There are plenty of people in their 80’s who are as fit as fleas!
Energy levels
You are going to have to get used to the fact that the days of all night partying are probably long-gone as your older partner relishes their sleep. It works both ways though and your partner is going to have to understand the fact that you may want to stay out late as they did when they were your age.
However, you may also have a bit of “been there and done that” and enjoy the newly discovered and better sleeping habits which your partner introduces you to. You will look and feel even younger when you stop burning the candle at both ends!
Saying that, you may want to stay up late to watch the end of a movie while your other-half trundles off to the land of nod. Don’t allow resentment to creep in when they start to whine that they want you to come to bed with them at the same time. You can’t live your life as an older person and simply forget your 40’s; there has to be give and take for any relationship to work.
You can have the odd early night here and there as long as they understand that sometimes you are simply not tired and want to unwind in front of a good film until the early hours of the morning.
When entering into a serious relationship of any kind, it is important to consider various financial issues. This is perhaps more pertinent the older the partner.
One of the most vital areas is making sure that a will is written perhaps even looking at powers of attorney (in case the partner loses capacity). It is also worth considering the implication of differing retirement ages and pension provisions.
Also, life assurance might be relevant to make sure that upon an older partners death, you do not suffer a massive financial loss”
Anton Cross – Financial Adviser – The Hug Directory
Finances
There can be quite a difference in thoughts around this subject. One of you may be ready for retirement in a few years time and the other still wants to enjoy their life NOW and have fabulous spontaneous holidays and fun. It’s also worth thinking about life and sickness insurance too because in the event of something happening, can you pay the rent or mortgage alone?
With both parties in their 30’s or 40’s this is possibly a more unlikely event, but with an older partner, it really is worth chatting through options with a financial advisor just to protect your future.
There are people who can advise on financial matters in our Hug Directory
If you are divorced you may need to sort out wills if they haven’t been re-written; this is an area couple of all ages forget to address.
- What is going to happen financially when your partner retires?
- Are you going to feel angry that you are still working and they are pottering around the garden?
- Is the older partner going to be annoyed that you are working and are not free to just set off for a weekend away at the drop of a hat?
Couples must consider what they are looking for in their retirement because if you are thinking about companionship during retirement, with an age gap of 16 years, the possibilities of this happening are slim.
The Group Hug
Life
With an older partner, they have obviously had a longer life and you may sometimes feel that they have done everything you had planned to do in your future. Some describe it as feeling as though their partner has already lived the life they wanted before even meeting them, but with someone else, their ex.
It can be difficult to digest when you discover that your partner has already been to all the places you wanted to go, with someone from their past. How are you going to make memories when you feel that the other person’s head is almost at capacity with their wonderful life history? Can you really add some more quality megabytes?
My husband is 59 now, 12 years older than me. We met when he was 54 and I was 42. Like your partner, he has older children (we even have a grandchild!). My teens love their older step-siblings and really look up to them as fantastic role models. Their youngest step-sibling is 28 now, and has promised to take them out in London when they’re 18.
The dynamic works really well. What also works for us is that we share a love of similar activities – we love dancing, cycling, watersports and movies. In his first message to me, he described himself as “young at heart and intending to stay so” – and that’s so true.
Claire Black – Divorce Coach – The Hug Directory
Try and think about new places you want to discover together as a couple and talk about how you feel. Don’t be fobbed off with “oh, I didn’t have a good time with that other person, so let’s go anyway.” You don’t want to walk in someone else’s footsteps and stay where they stayed in an attempt to make a fresher memory for the older partner who, set in their ways, can’t digest the thought of trying something new and interesting.
Lasting Power of Attorney is vital for anyone with assets over the age of 18 but in this instance, should the elder of the new couple lose their faculties, the younger cannot make decisions for them on their finances or their health and their estate can be frozen by the Court of Protection.
This would also apply if they married, and the courts can freeze joint bank accounts. If the elder needed residential care the house may have a charge placed against it, by planning ahead before care was foreseeable they could opt to have their joint property owned tenants in common, allowing them to own 50/50 percentage each and this can help ensure at very least the younger persons half of the house is safe from the care fees.
Tenants in common is often an ideal way for people that have come together from previous relationships with children as it can help each party share their 50% with their own children”
Sarah Hughes – Will Consult You Limited – The Hug Directory
I hadn’t been with my partner for long when he invited me for a weekend away in a pretty cottage in Dorset. It turned out that we walked where he and his ex had walked, stayed in the same cottage and even slept in the same bed, all because he was set in his grey ways and couldn’t be bothered to think of something new.
He was either pining for his ex or, he says, he wanted to make new memories with me, but I am not the eraser for his crap past! God knows how many other dates he took there, but he wouldn’t hold my hand or go anywhere near me in public, probably because he was worried that the locals would think “who is he here with this weekend?”
I always check where he is taking me now, but he still has a tendency to go back to where he has been before, when he was married or 17 years old and camping in the 70’s!
AT – Berkshire
On the other hand if you want to go to Ibiza with your friends because you have always wanted to go, your older partner must understand that you need to do these things, as did they. You cannot become your older partners age and lose say, 16 years of your life. It works both ways; you have to fit in with them and they have to understand your needs too because otherwise, resentment will again rear its ugly head and there will be no relationship.
The considerations are different for those looking to marry and those wishing to only cohabit with the latter being far more at risk financially if the older party were to pass away without having put in place the requisite measures to ensure that the younger party benefits from their estate, which may include pension and life insurance provision and even the home they have shared.
It is crucial that the parties discuss these matters before cohabiting to secure the future of the loved one left behind and that a family trust is employed together with a cohabitation agreement and Will setting out the parties’ clear intentions.
Similarly, when marrying an older person, one may wish to consider a pre or post nuptial agreement together with a Will and possibly a trust, depending on the assets the parties are bringing to the marriage and the expectations or needs of any children in being to avoid probate battles during what will most certainly be an emotional and difficult time.
Chrissie Cuming Walters – Solicitor – The Hug Directory
All in all, with a bit of negotiation and above all, trust and understanding of the needs of each other, an age gap relationship and dating someone over 50 can be a success for all involved.
Written by a Group Hug Blogger with edits from The Group Hug and input from The Hug Directory experts
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