in Divorce & Separation

Have you turned into a Bunny Boiler?

by The Group Hug October 8, 2023, 3:44 pm 2.9k Views

If you still love someone, it can be hard to let go, even when they have very clearly moved on. Most people are able to cope and get on without their past love, but for a bunny boiler this isn’t so easy.

For some people, moving on is easier said than done. It’s a sad story.

For whatever reason, they just can’t let go of the past. Part of them still believes that they will eventually be reunited with their ex and live happily ever after. Their ex may have remarried and even had children with a new person, but this makes no difference at all. The bunny boiler lives in a fantasy world, one where one day their ex will walk back into their life and everything will be “happy ever after”.

It is psychologically damaging to be unable to look at the future without your ex and in some cases, constantly thinking about the past can tip a person over the edge and into the world of the Fatal Attraction Bunny Boiler. It’s not just women who are guilty of this, men can be BB’s too.

So, what are the signs that you’re fixated with the past?

Your ex is always on your mind

Do you find yourself thinking and talking about your ex all the time. In your head you still remember every anniversary or where you were “this time five years ago”. You find yourself talking badly about them years on… and blaming them for this, that and the other.

You’re still feeling bitter and angry that they left you and find yourself looking wistfully through old photos of happier times believing that one day you will get back together. You can’t comprehend that your ex just doesn’t love or even like you any more.

Searching for constant reminders of your ex

Everything and anything reminds you of something to do with your ex and you actually enjoy these constants. You make sure that you are still in touch with your exes friends and family, not just so you are still “in the loop” but in the hope that you may get a snippet of information about your exes life.

These contacts ensure that there are still tiny threads attaching you to your ex and you hope that your name gets mentioned to your ex and vice versa. You enjoy hearing news that your ex has had a bad time, or something has gone wrong as you believe that this may bring them running back to you.

In your mind, you believe that your ex wants YOU back

You’ve heard that they are going to be at an event in a public place where you live, so you make sure you are there too. Unsurprisingly you run into them, but in your mind, the opposite has happened. You believe that they turned up to the event in the hope that they would bump into you.

If you happen to see their car anywhere, you believe that they are stalking YOU.

Your ex offers to drop your joint children off at your house and in your head this must mean that they want to see YOU.

Are you speaking badly about you ex?

You tell your friends and family that your ex is not allowing you to move on and has no right to go anywhere you may be. You say that they are “invading your privacy” when in fact they are just getting on with their life and not thinking about you at all. For your ex, if they run into you it’s purely a coincidence. You just can’t let go. You’re stuck. These thoughts go around and around in a circle.

We’ve all seen it, the recently single person splashing photos of their #newlife across social media. You grin into the camera for your selfie, wrapped around your new partner in the hope that your ex will see this shot of happiness and want you back. A person who has moved on will no longer have you showing up on their feed and will probably have blocked you.

However, for someone who is super determined to find out what their ex is up to via Instagram, facebook or twitter, it takes seconds for them to create a new account to burst right through that block! You ignore the happy photos and convince yourself that your ex looks unhappy and wants you back.

Excuses to contact them

Do you make up any excuse you can to contact your ex or their “after you” partner; calling them to say that your Granny has died, finding something which belongs to them and instead of just posting it, contacting them to ask if they want it or asking for their help and advice.

A bunny boiler will even start to make up terrible lies in order to have an excuse to contact their ex. They will hyperventilate and scream about a situation, telling their ex that they need their help in order to get their exes attention – this is “psycho” behaviour and is very damaging to everyone involved. In some cases it gets so bad that an ex has to take legal advice to put a stop to it.

Bunny Boiler Doctor sent 9000 text messages to her Tinder ex

Dates are not like your ex

You find yourself comparing every person you date to your ex. In your head, your ex was absolute perfection and all the bad bits about them have evaporated into thin air.

Need help?

If you are being stalked or harassed log it with the police. We also have lawyers who can assist in The Hug Directory.

Are you unable to get over your ex? Speak to your GP about counselling support. There are also many coaches in The Hug Directory who can help you to move on with your life. Don’t stay stuck. With help, you can lead a full and happy life without your ex.