The Group Hug
You may think you are ready, but are you? Take a pragmatic look at your situation before jumping in.
There are many issues which you need to consider before you take the plunge. Acknowledge that you probably share many joint commitments such as financial, social, family and children. Think about whether you really are ready to get a divorce.
Is it the case that even though you feel ready for divorce, your partner does not. Does your spouse even know that you want a divorce? Most couples who embark on divorce are unprepared. Because they don’t know which hymn sheet they are both singing from, matters can quickly deteriorate when they discover that they both have different agendas.
How to tell your partner that you want a divorce
Get as much information as you can
The consequences of getting divorced can potentially last a lifetime, so make sure you get good advice and be prepared. Ensuring you are “knowledged-up” will make all the difference.
If you can’t afford a family law solicitor, you may want to invest in a good book on the subject such as Laura Naser’s “The Family Lawyers Guide to Separation and Divorce“. Laura is a top london family solicitor and the book is written in such a way that you feel that you are sitting chatting to Laura face to face. It’s a really useful read. You can find out more HERE.
Are you using divorce to hurt your spouse?
Even if you have been intensively hurt, for example if your spouse has committed adultery, you don’t have to resign yourself to living life as a divorcee. It’s a reality that most marriages will at some point include a degree of hurt and pain. Husbands and Wives are only human and everyone makes mistakes. Of course, having sexual relations with another person outside the relationship is not the same as forgetting your wedding anniversary. A marriage should be about support and love and not about overcoming hurt.
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For some couples, hurt can be an indicator that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship and is the point at which two people take stock and work things out, building an even stronger relationship. Sadly, this is not always possible and the emotional pain felt initiates the start of divorce proceedings because that it what practically needs to happen. Divorce is more than just an emotional reaction as there are so many things to consider.
Using the words “I want a divorce” should not be used as a threat for your spouse to change their ways. If there is hurt and upset in the relationship, then a couple need to work through things together. Believing that only one party needs to change, will cause resentment; it’s important that both spouses identify with which roles they play.
Consider the consequences
People don’t or shouldn’t get divorced in the heat of the moment. The decision needs to come from a process of deep thought and contemplation. Using the “D” word is not going to improve your partner or your relationship and that’s a fact! Also, if you are just shouting “divorce” to scare your spouse, then actually, you believe that your relationship is worth saving. Spend your energy focussing on that instead.
Our full guide to divorce and dissolution
While you are contemplating divorce, you need to think about how your entire life is going to change. You may find yourself moving house and losing touch with friends and in-laws. Big life changes will usually always impact your career in some way too. Have you thought about the financial burden of being single again?
Are you in a dilemma?
Conflicted feelings when you think about getting divorced is normal. For some people, they really want to get out of their marriage but they feel guilt. For others, they have been so hurt by their spouse, they have tried to fix things but know that they would be better of without that person in their life.
Before going ahead with a divorce, these opposing thoughts must be resolved, enabling you to look towards the future knowing that it’s exactly what you want. You don’t want to be spending your energy thinking about the disputes in your own head. You are going to need all your stamina and energy to get through the separation process.
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What is single going to feel like?
If you are intent on getting divorced, make sure you are ready to visit “singledom” again. Prepare yourself mentally to the new challenges you will face. Matters such as looking after the children single-handed are going to be demanding. Don’t forget that being single can just as equally be invigorating and lead you to having a new zest for life. It’s scary being back on the singles-market, but dating can be fun and you might want to meet someone new in the future.
What’s next?
After reading this blog, you may realise that you want to try and have a go at saving your relationship; or you may have concluded that you definitely want to separate and get a divorce. Whatever road you want to take, there are experts who can help.
If you are at a crossroads and unsure of your next move, you should consider speaking to a divorce coach about the way forward. A coach can help you to understand the options available to you and to come to a decision about your future. The worst thing you can do for your mental health is to procrastinate, trying to supress the thoughts in your head.
Seeking legal advice from a family solicitor is a very good idea; see what your choices are and find out what might happen if you were to go on to divorce. Take a look in The Hug Directory. You should also speak to a financial advisor to set out what you will require to secure your financial future. Before you make any big decisions, make sure you are ready to divorce.
Making such a big decision is all about planning and thinking. Understand all the implications to minimise any future shocks.
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