The Group Hug
Tell us more about yourself Fay. How did you become a Divorce Coach? Was there a pivotal moment?
I trained as a divorce coach after the breakdown of my second marriage. Both my marriages had ended due to my husband’s infidelity. I suffered trauma and PTSD symptoms as a result of both infidelity and abuse.
The pivotal moment for me was when I knew that I could achieve anything that I set my mind to, realising that I deserved to be happy and that I loved the person that I had become. It was an empowering moment and I wanted to help others who were struggling due to relationship and marriage breakdown.
Who is Fay Petcher? What makes you tick?
A great question!!
I am a single mum of two children, I love both yoga and walking as it allows me to connect with both my body and my breath. I make no bones of the fact that both yoga and nature helped me to heal.
I also love travelling to new places and experiencing new things. Now lockdown is easing, I am planning to catch up on some weekend breaks away and holidays with my children – the Orbital slide at the Olympic park is next on my list!
What are the three biggest issues your clients come to you with?
Many of my clients are struggling to trust their partners after infidelity and wondering whether to try again or move forward alone.
I also see clients who are in a trauma state – both physical and mental symptoms due to abuse, narcissism, infidelity, abandonment or toxic cycles.
As you know, it is all very well for experts to say that everyone must be more “amicable” – but there are many occasions when this is just not possible for example, if there has been domestic abuse or where one party just does not want to engage and be kind to the other. What can you do to help the victim?
Yes, being amicable is certainly easier to say than do in some cases, especially if seeing an abusive ex on the doorstep when handing over the children or in a courtroom could set off a trauma response.
However, I do advise clients to lead by their own example, try and bracket their own feelings about their ex and see the whole divorce process as another thing that has to be done to be a step closer to their new life. I also advise that clients show themselves compassion especially if they are beating themselves up for something that is not their fault. To set boundaries around their ex and the divorce process that is going to support their mental health and well- being and to celebrate their wins, no matter how small, whether that is being able to sit at their child’s play with their ex or making a joint decision about child arrangements. I reassure clients that it does and will get better even though they don’t think it will – it does.
Have you seen changes in the issues you have been dealing with since Covid19?
Definitely, I have more and more clients who are dealing with infidelity and abuse. More affairs have been exposed since Lockdown and more people are suffering abuse because of it. I have also seen clients who have evaluated their lives due to lockdown and left wondering “Do I still want to be with my husband/wife?”
When someone initially contacts you, what happens next?
I offer all potential clients a free discovery call so that they can find out about me and how I work with clients. It’s also a chance for them to tell me more about their situation so that I can see if I can help them. It is really important that both client and coach are a good fit.
Can you give us your top tips on how to deal with a tricky spouse? Are there any specific techniques you always suggest?
Set your boundaries that ensure that you are putting your mental health and well being of yourself and any children you have as a priority. For instance if your ex texts you both day and night, set a boundary where you will reply only when it is a good time for you, not because they expect an answer.
To accept that your ex will not always agree with you or behave in the way that you expect – when you lower your expectations of them, then you will be better able to manage your emotions around them and the situation.
Always put your children first – even though the idea of sitting with your difficult ex at parents’ evening fills you with dread, your children need to know that you are working together as their parents.
Lead with compassion – even though your ex may be difficult, bad mouth you or not turn up to mediation – be respectful and try not to blame. at least you know that you are doing the right thing, even though they are not.
A change in friendships can come with a relationship breakdown. What advice do you give a client when say, a good friend isn’t being supportive or even worse, decides to take sides with their ex!
I always get clients to think about their friendships, especially if they have taken sides or are not being supportive.
A question that I ask clients is “Is this friendship good for you?” Whether or not a friendship has broken, disappeared or just died after a divorce can depend on many things, like: how long have they known each other, whether they are your ex’’s friends first and are they a friend that you have always been able to count on in the past.
So many people don’t know how to support their friends when they are going through a divorce. Some people have too many problems of their own to support anyone else or they don’t agree with your choices and try to advise you what to do.
I would also suggest that clients go to local social groups and meet new friends as a newly single person. It is something that I did and I have got some great friends because of it.
Do you have a success story for us? Or a great review?
Yes!! I coached a lady who had decided to leave her husband after years of emotional abuse. She had no self worth and was struggling with low confidence, trusting her inner compass and feelings of shame and guilt towards herself for allowing her marriage to get to this and not seeing the signs and for her children who she wanted to protect and make sure that they didn’t suffer.
Little by little, by taking small steps each day, she managed to start divorce proceedings and move into her new house.
“During my initial chat with Fay she made me feel so comfortable. Not judged, not stupid. I knew instantly this was a lady I would be able to talk openly and honestly with. Over the coming weeks and months, I had regular sessions. Fay understood the dynamics of my relationship. I consider myself to be a fairly strong, independent woman, and as such have found the concept of acknowledging that my marriage was emotionally abusive very difficult. There were times I had to be brutally honest with myself, I found that challenging but cathartic, and Fay supported me through this, reminding me of some of my home truths and original goals as I progressed through the weeks and months.
It has not been a linear journey from A to B, and Fay has been there every step of the way. Supporting me with my regular sessions, and fitting me in at short notice at those times when life became unpredictable. Fay allowed me to explore my feelings, in a safe non-judgmental space, funneling down into where my feelings stemmed from, and allowing me to make sense of them all by myself. She has helped me to put things into context, helped me in reclaiming my self esteem and confidence, and has been a reassuring voice letting me know that it has been okay to feel all the emotions I have felt. Her insight and understanding of my situation has been invaluable – advising me on what behaviour I might see from my husband. She amazed me with this – often these behaviours materialised and as such I was as best prepared for them as I could have been. In what has been a heart wrenching and soul searching experience, she has been a reassuring and empowering influence. The upshot is that I have built up the courage to leave my husband, confident that I am doing the very best thing for myself and my children. She continues to support me during this process, and I genuinely don’t think I’d have found the strength or courage without her.”
I am so proud of her!!
The word “narcissist” is often mentioned around the subject of divorce. What advice do you give someone who suspects that their ex is a narcissist?
As a coach who specialises in narcissistic abuse, I do think that the term narcissist is used alot to describe an ex who is difficult, selfish or has been unfaithful.
There are varying degrees of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) however there are 9 characteristics of NPD and these are described in the DSM-5, with 5 having to be ticked to get a diagnosis.
When a client tells me that they suspect that their ex is a narcissist, I will always ask questions to get a bigger picture of their situation, see what they are suffering with, if they are presenting with any trauma and how they are coping. Narcissistic abuse is often misunderstood and there is no easy way of healing, It can leave a person not trusting who they are and not being able to function as a normal human being and either suffering in a hyper state of trauma, dissociative state of trauma or both as well as suffering from trauma bonds which can be difficult to break.
I always advise clients to:-
- set strict boundaries for their mental health and well being. for example, not to enter into any lengthy conversations, texts or emails with their ex. as we all know that narcissists love any form of attention.
- to learn as much as they can about NPD. This helps the client to get clarity and join the dots on what happened to them. When a client says “I read this article on NPD and now I know why they acted the way that they did.” It feels great knowing that they are helping with their own healing.
- to forgive themselves – often people will blame themselves for ever getting into a relationship with a narcissist in the first place.
Do you work with clients to help them recover?
Yes, most of my work is helping clients to heal from trauma in a holistic way, whether that is by talking therapies – counselling and coaching, meditation, nature baths (wak and talk therapy) and EFT (tapping) which has been proven to help people with PTSD symptoms.
What is the longest time you have worked with a client and how is their life looking now?
The longest time that I have worked with a client is 18 months and they now have so much more self awareness of themselves. They are happy, fulfilled and looking forward to the future.
How did you get through your divorce?
With the support of my friends and family and also sheer will and determination not to let what happened to me beat me! I took one day at a time and learned from both my mistakes and victories along the way.
Now that you are a divorce expert, is there anything you would change with the way you dealt with your separation?
Yes, I would not blame myself for what happened.
I would also have hired a divorce coach to help me on my recovery journey!
Do you help clients to move into new relationships and the world of dating? Do you have any advice for someone entering the world of online dating?
Yes, I see many clients who want to dip their toe into the dating pool. I help clients set up their dating profile, advise them what dating apps to use, based on their personality and what they want from dating, whether that is to meet new people or find their forever partner. I also help clients with their self confidence – many are terrified of dating again, especially if they have been married for a long time.
My advice is always
Have fun.
Even if you do not click with your date, get as much out of it as you can, even if it’s just finding out about them and laughing about your dating disasters.
Be honest about what you want.
Do not lie on your dating profile, be authentic and this will attract the right people to you.
Do not get dependent if you do not find your forever person straight away. see dating as a tool for finding out what makes you tick and the kind of person that you want to be with.
Tell us about your book?
My book “How to Succeed after Separation and Divorce’ was published on Amazon at the beginning of this year. I started it in 2019 and finished it during the first lockdown.
I always knew that I wanted to write a self help book to help others who were navigating separation and divorce. I wanted my book to be honest and raw but also thought provoking and a tool to help people get the best out of their new and single life. There are chapters on mental health, letting go, self love and of course, dating!!
I also wanted to empower people to make changes for the better after divorce, whether that would be to change careers, do something that they had never done before or decorate their entire home!
Tell us one thing that not many people know about you?
I am a big advocate for ocean conservation and support charities that help to reduce the amount of plastic in our oceans as well as charities that help marine conservation. I have adopted a green back turtle called Miss Piggy and can track her movements. She is currently off the coast of Barbados – lucky her!!! I always ask the chef in a restaurant where he gets his fish from and always eat fish that has been caught in a sustainable way.
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