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I have no grief and I feel guilty for that
My dad died a couple of years ago and I still haven't really had a breakdown over it all. I feel so worried that at some point I will break and it will all come out. Is it normal to let someone go when they are really ill and not feel any real pain for the loss or am i some kind of cold-hearted person with no feelings? I have no "outpouring" of grief and I hate to say it, but I felt a relief when he was no longer ill and not the person I remember. Is that selfish to say?
My Dad died in 2006, I’ve never broken down either. In fact I didn’t cry at the funeral, just got through the organisation of the day, read the eulogy etc and went home. He died aged 63, of asbestos related cancer, (mesothelioma) and it was distressing to watch a strong physical man waste to nothing and to live his last weeks with little dignity.
I do have moments of sadness, I will want to share something with him or I watch a video that he was in and that may move me to silent tears, but I’ve never really had the outpouring of grief I might have expected. I don’t feel worse on his birthday or on the annivery of when he died. Some years I may not notice the date at all. But I don’t think that means I loved him any less or that I don’t wish he were with me and my children today. I loved him very very much and I’d give a lot to have him back even for a day.
So, don’t beat yourself up. Everyone handles grief differently and you don’t need to breakdown to build back up again. Not everybody is like that, I know I’m not. Just enjoy the memories you have of him and allow yourself to feel what you feel without guilt.
Sending you a virtual hug
Thanks for the messages so far.. you are right - we all deal with grief in a different way.
The feeling of relief was for the loss of his pain not for the loss of him. His death was his only way out or he stayed living and suffering, so you are absolutely not cold hearted.The total opposite, you were relieved he was no longer ill and not himself. That is love.
I imagine there could have been a lot of anticipatory grief before he died if he was ill, that you may not have totally acknowledged you were going through at the time...
Grief is different for everyone but it is also a fact we don't always realise when our body is going through the process of grieving and working through our emotions. Our body is amazing like that at protecting us. It is only our assumptions that we should grieve in a certain way that often confuses things.
Hope you can find some comfort and not beat yourself up about what you have been feeling. I can't imagine your father would want you to.
We all grieve in different ways for different people. It might be that you grieve more for one parents than another or grieve more at the loss of the last parent, so when both parents have died. There isn't a rule book for feelings so never feel guilty for how you are feeling. You can't make yourself feel a certain way whether it is grief or love. I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. Enjoy your memories and accept your feelings on this and enjoy your life.