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Ex moving new GF in with my children
2 years ago I split from my husband after suffering from depression for a few years I ended up on strong antidepressants. Although these did help they also blocked the feelings that I’m sure would have stopped me making the biggest mistake of my life. I had an affair and looking back now I just can’t believe I could have done that. I can’t believe what an idiot I was!
Having now been off the tablets a year I feel like I am waking up from a nightmare that is all my fault and very very real!
In the marriage I was a full time mum to our 3 children. Now I only have them half the time. I get a small amount from my ex but nowhere near what I need but I am managing to survive and I will.
Over the last 2 years we had worked towards a really good place and we were getting on really well. We were probably doing more as a family then we had ever done and it was perfect. Neither of us had another partner so it worked really well and the kids were all happy.
However my ex has now found someone else and the dynamics have changed very quickly. I was happy for him when he told me he’d met someone and I stupidly didn’t think things would change that much. I thought we’d still be able to be great friends for the kids and one or both of us have a partner too. But within a matter of weeks he took the kids away for a weekend with her without telling me or even them first. I know I have no right and I know it is all my fault. But this has made everything hit home. He has now just told me that she will be moving in, in the next few months. This will be about 6 months from meeting her to moving in.
The kids tell me she is very nice and they like her. She is younger and doesn’t have her own children. Between them they will be very well off and the children have already told me that she will take them to Disney land and my eldest had expensive presents for her birthday. I just can compete at all in that department.
I am trying to be positive about it but it’s so hard. The thought of someone else with my babies is too much. I don’t know how to deal with it. I know I have to but I can’t see how I can. The pain and the loneliness when they are there is so intense.
- Dear Jessie, my heart goes out to you. I separated from my ex two years ago, and although it was the right decision, nothing prepared me for the confusing pain when he found someone else. It took me right back to the very raw and uncontrollable feelings I endured at the start of our separation, and I really felt like I was back at square one, that I hadn’t healed at all. Those feelings of desperately wanting the pain to stop, of self blame, of loss. And I know that my relationship was unhealthy. It seems to me you are stuck in a cycle of self blame too, and now he has found someone else the hope that you may have been holding on too, that everything will be all right in the end, has gone. It’s a terrible finality. I have friends who have also separated who have said that, no matter how much they don’t want to be married any more, the point where their ex found someone else was hugely painful. I know how well my ex can love. How amazingly beautiful falling in love with him was, and what a wonderful person he seemed to be in those years. The thought of someone else experiencing those things, of living the life I should have had, was so painful.
- But I promise those feelings pass.
- My phrase for this whole journey has been ‘wait it out’. When feelings are desperate, just wait for them to pass. When you are ready, its time to ask yourself some important questions. Why did you become depressed? Why didn’t or couldn’t your ex husband help you through? Why did you feel the need to seek comfort elsewhere? Why couldn’t your marriage support you as it should have done? I think the answer will be that your marriage wasn’t as perfect as you remember, that there were things which meant you weren’t happy, and weren’t able to get better alone. Once you start to examine these things without the expectation that you alone can mend what was broken, or that it was all your fault, you might see that there is a future in front of you. As for finances... your children are clever. Expensive gifts come and go. They can’t replace you, or your consistent love, or your role as a mother.
Dawn's words are so true. My ex got an ex parte order giving him full custody of my two children whilst I was hospitalised and totally refused contact. But the bond is visceral. As soon as my son was old enough, he came to live with me. My daughter - she's 15 now and at a boarding school paid for by my mother (who has also had contact refused by their father) so doing well and we shall see what she decides when she's allowed to make her own decisions. I think my mother is right that it's when your daughter has children of her own that she *really* needs her mother. Son is now living in London with his long term g/f but still refers to my home as his home - he knows London accommodation is only temporary.
Kids are not THAT easy to fool. Just so long as they know you love them and have time for them, my advice is to set them free. They will return.
So many hugs and healing balm for that inconsolable pain - may you learn to treasure your solitude as I have mine,
I totally agree that you are probably remembering the great bits of the relationship and not the shitty bits. There will be a reason why you became depressed and why your marriage and husband were unable to support you through that bad time.
Everyone says the same thing, that the gifts aren't important. They come and go. Also, they sound like a new couple.. the novelty of her having children will probably wear off at some point. It's all fun at the beginning... like having a new pet.. but after a while, when you cant be spontaneous, or a child is sick or troubled and being mean, it isn't that much fun. Especially when you are not the actual "parent".
It sounds like you ex is rushing to get into something too... bit quick... 6 months...
I read a really funny blog about shared parenting... here's the link https://www.thegrouphug.com/2019/04/19/ten-purely-selfish-reasons-why-shared-parenting-is-fab/
Just think of your ex as the free nanny and get out there and have some fun!
Cease the opportunity of some free time to make the most out of your work, naybe earn some more money so you can get away on holidays more? Embrace the fact you may now only have half of the school holidays? Woo hoo!
On a more serious note. I do hope you are ok and feeling a bit better this week. Hugs - lots of them.