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How do I let go of the bitterness
My partner and the father of my children cheated on me after 9 years together and I found out 3 months before we were due to get married.
He moved out to his own place and continued his relationship with the other woman, but for two years also said he still loved me and that he knew he needed to be with his family. After moving back in twice and still not ending things with the other woman I finally had enough. Things between us turned nasty, as I met a guy online and we dated, he hated that and was absolutely horrible to me. He in the meantime had moved in with his girlfriend, yet their relationship was toxic.
It’s now been 5 years and things between us is easier, not so nasty, he has bought me out of the family home and moved back in alone. I have moved with the kids to a house that is all mine.
He has since split from his girlfriend and then a month later (or less) got with a new woman he met online and now is enjoying life with her and both her and our kids, going on holidays doing fun things.
I am alone and have pretty much been since we split, the relationship I had before didn’t last due to my ex’s nastiness and antics. So basically I’m bitter that he has everything I wanted, even though he ended our family. Deep down I still live him, but know that we could never be together as we have both changed as people because of this, but I don’t want to be alone. He was the horrible person in all this yet he is happy, and I’m still here feeling sorry for myself depressed, alone and unhappy. How can I get over this, and stop being obsessed with him and what he has?
thank you and sorry for the long post xx
Hi and thanks for your post - the thing about bitterness is we beat ourselves up about it, for feeling it. But it is difficult sometimes not to feel like this especially if you are feeling alone, fed up and you really want to move on. There is a great Hawaiian practice called Ho'ponopono which I have used and recommended to others to use to help let go of emotions and actually work on forgiving yourself for feeling like this. It is really simple and if you youtube it Dr Joe Dispenza talks about it and shows you how to do it.
As well what is helpful is to notice when you are thinking about your Ex and his life and consciously take a step back from these thoughts. I talk about your 'backyard' - hang out in yours rather than going to see what is happening in his (with your thoughts). Take time to focus on your 'backyard' and give your energy to you. Keep coming back to what you have and the practice of gratitude is really powerful. Lastly write down 6 or so words to describe you and say them to yourself with "I am...." every day and repeat often.
Hope this all helps.
So I suspected my ex was cheating and confronted him but he denied it but said because I didnt trust him there was no point carrying on. He walked out of the family home into his parents house leaving me and our daughter. He quickly took his stuff out the house and discussed splitting finances within the first week. Within 2 months he had taken a trip to America and came back saying he was serious with an American girl. Since then they have been inseparable. They are constantly meeting each other for holidays and he wanted very little to do with our daughter choosing instead to work as much as he could for his holidays. He made clear his intentions to move out to America very quickly. Since lockdown he has been in America saying he cant get back because he cant get a flight home. I have been left for 8 months and more looking after our daughter 24/7. I have no family to help. He on the other hand is living a free life of ski trips, spa outings and family holidays in america. He does not pay me any money and I have to comfort our daughter because she misses her dad. I'd love to meet someone and move on with my life but feel I have no opportunity to do this. I have met guys but nothing has gone anywhere and I am conscious of how difficult it would be giving anything any reasonable time with constantly having my daughter I am incredibly bitter towards him and fo not know how to channel this. I feel frustrated and do not know which way to turn.
Hi Ells0802 - first of all I would like to say how sorry I am this has happened to you. It sounds as though you have been through a lot and been treated very unfairly.
I would advise that you speak to someone who can help you work through your emotions before you try and jump into another relationship. If you can unpick what happened in this one you will know how to protect yourself from potential hurt in future and make sure that whoever you meet next is right for you. If you jump in too quickly before you understand exactly what you want for your future , you might end up in the same kind of relationship again.
A divorce coach can help you with practical advice and help to work through all of this so you can move on and get the life you deserve. You can find me in the directory or got to my website for free resources : Caron Kipping Divorce Coach
@ells0802 Sorry to hear of your predicament. How old is your daughter? If she was a little older perhaps friends can babysit her or she can spend a night sleeping over with friends so you can have a bit of a break and feel you have some time to yourself. It is always good to have some time to ourselves in order to keep ourselves together and be able to think clearly.
Easy to say because I am not bitter but my ex is however, being bitter won't do you anything good but it will consume you and it is counter productive. The best revenge to your ex (if you see it that way) is to be happy - whether you are on your own or with someone. Finding someone after a relationship split is never going to be easy but trying to be happy with yourself and enjoying time with what you've got left - i.e. your daughter and your sanity, is the best ever thing you can do. Find a hobby or common interest that you and your daughter can do together as this will strengthen your bond to each other and you'll find you're more happier.
@ells0802 It is understandable that you are feeling this way. First of all, your ex was several steps ahead of you. By calling your ex out with your suspicion about him having an affair gave him the chance to blame you for your lack of trust and the reason to leave. It sounds like a pretty quick exit, so I suspect your gut instinct was most probably correct. He has moved on whilst you are still trying to come to terms with the betrayal. It takes time to heal from the pain and I would advise you to take time to concentrate on yourself by finding happiness within before embarking on a new relationship. You have no control over your ex and what he does, but you do have control over what you can do for yourself. You mention you do not have family living nearby. Do you have a close friend or neighbour you can talk to? There are many excellent coaches on the Group Hug to help you move forward. Please reach out. You can contact me at Polly Bloom Divorce Separation Coach - [email protected]
Sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. It really is so traumatic and difficult. It’s an emotional rollercoaster and the healing/grieving process takes time and is different for different people/circumstances. Try not to beat yourself up about the way you are feeling about your ex. It is totally understandable and we are all human. I will always love and care for my ex as the father of my children, despite the most horrific divorce full of lies, cheating and deceit on his part. Look after yourself and your thoughts. I would highly recommend a divorce/separation coach as I found this invaluable in helping me through the darkest days of my life.