Aside from pending divorce proceedings and everything which comes with that; lawyers, the family court, where are the kids going to live? What about the separation itself? There are a whole host of emotions around separating from a partner. You may have been with your partner for just a couple of years or twenty. The feelings will be much the same.
A sense of relief can be the first feeling when it is accepted that a couple are well and truly done. It could be that one party has been abusive so the victim is relieved that the other person is moving on or maybe a spouse has had an extramarital affair and has been seeking forgiveness that their partner cannot bring themselves to give. Whatever the reasons for the break-up, there is often the momentary and pleasurable feeling of closure.
However, anyone who has been through a separation and divorce knows that this relief doesn’t last for long as there is always so much to sort out, especially if you have children, a home, pets etc.… Couples soon realise that they are not just breaking up from each other. Their lives have been entangled in many ways and it is more of an “uncoupling” task which takes hold.
There are in-laws. It may be that everyone used to get along brilliantly but with the divorce things have become very tricky. A brother-in-law may have been like a best friend but now he feels that blood is thicker than water and he should support his sister. Parents more often than not will take the side of their adult child as they feel it is their duty to support their own. Shock waves run through to the very core of what used to be, as progress in the untying of the knot starts to happen.
Divorce and splitting assets
Everyone has to move forwards and it could be that the family home has to be sold to create two new separate homes. House buying and selling is stressful enough, but add that to a separation and blood pressure levels are likely to go through the roof! All parties are anxious and afraid about how the future is going to pan out. Assets have to be split; furniture, family heirlooms. Everything right down to who is going to have the cutlery.
It’s an extremely tough period in even the most resilient person’s life; it is certainly not weak to ask for professional help if required. In fact, maybe everyone should get counselling or coaching through this most horrendous time, to keep their feet on the ground. Tempers are frayed and small issues can become ginormous. People who have been through the process talk about turning to alcohol, cigarettes or serial dating for sex, as a crutch to get them through. Working with a therapist can help people to understand that what is happening right now is not going to last forever. It is just a phase in life and part of the journey to arrive in a better place.
Seperation and divorce with kids
When the bigger issues, such as children and the courts are finalised, life can seem a very quiet and drama free place. It can be almost too calm and some people suffer symptoms similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). The term “Divorce Stress Syndrome” is fast becoming a familiar term. Feeling tired or hopeless, no longer enjoying anything in life and even thoughts of suicide can indicate serious depression issues.
The stress of a separation can also manifest itself in anxiety, panic attacks, anger or substance abuse. Few people realise that depression is common with PTSD, which many usually believe only happens to people in combat situations or who have experienced violent crime and the suchlike. Something like a life-changing divorce can in fact lead into PTSD and in the shadows of this is Depression. It is very important to seek medical advice if you believe that yourself, or someone you know may be suffering from PTSD or Depression.
Being able to visualise some kind of future is crucial; getting out and about, communicating with people, going to the gym or even just popping into the pub for a swift-half to have a moan about things with friends is important. If you are feeling low, pop into The Group Hug forum and you will soon see that you are not alone. Thousands of people are dealing with the stresses and strains of things life has thrown at them. The key is to find the method which is right for you to move into your new life.
So, after separation and or divorce, what actually is next? Whether you are able to help yourself mentally or need a little intervention with a therapist, be that hypnotherapy, bowl chanting, counselling or coaching, life has to move on and it is a time to recognise and cease opportunities which may come your way.
Maybe you will meet an absolutely amazing new partner and realise that what you had in your marriage wasn’t half as good as what you have now. It could be that you couldn’t afford to live where you lived when you were married and have had to move; but now you have a new job with better prospects and because you are living in a cheaper area you have more disposable income for holidays? Maybe you very reluctantly opted for 50:50 childcare but are now happy to be a great role model for your kids and are earning an absolute fortune in your business; You are happy and have more time to dedicate to business growth.
It could be anything. “What’s next” can be a very scary place to be, but at some point, everyone has to face the fact that life is happening. Push open the door to your new life.