Even if you were the one to instigate the breakup, the end of a marriage or relationship is difficult and will throw your life into turmoil as you realise there are lots of issues to work through with the person you no longer want to be with. Communications will be tricky and stressful. Maybe you didn’t see the break-up coming and are in shock or have escaped a violent marriage and don’t know which way to turn. Whatever the reason, dealing with your feelings isn’t easy. The other side of the coin could be that you still want to be with your partner and to be married. Releasing a relationship for whatever reason, can leave the future looking very bleak and intimidating. It’s a difficult time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
You will be forced to deal with issues you never thought you would have to consider such as sharing childcare, moving house, dealing with in-laws and if the separation isn’t amicable you could be led into lengthy court proceedings; dealing with solicitors and legal jargon. All this will take its toll on your mental wellbeing. You have to remember that thousands of people every year go through this process too. The majority of them go onto lead happy and enriched lives and say that they are the happiest they have ever been. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to find a way to see it and maybe you need someone to guide you to that illumination.
You’re likely to feel an abundance of emotions; one minute on a high of adrenalin when something goes your way and the next grieving for what you believe you have lost. It’s a rollercoaster and you are not sure when the ride will stop. Anger and confusion only add to the severe anxiety which is making you hyper-vigilant.
Professional Divorce Counsellors
Even during the times when you are feeling overwhelmed and bogged down, you need to focus on your own individual needs. Turn to friends and loved ones for sympathy, as that’s what they do best, but ultimately you need to let go of the past and see that there is a future. This is where professional divorce counselling comes into play.
A counsellor or coach is not there to wipe away your tears. They are trained to give you the time to consciously think about things which will help you to move yourself forward in life. They are armed with empathy. There is a big difference between that and the sympathy that those around you can offer.
One of the first steps towards recovery is to understand what went wrong. It is easy to morph into victim mode: What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me? Was it my fault? This in turn can result in blaming others for what happened. All this does is to slam the door shut on any chance of recovery. Thoughts become bitter and twisted.
A professional will help you to focus on the things the relationship was missing for both you and your ex, removing the pointless blame element. Counselling is not easy as it’s a time to face up to the truth, but by encouraging you to digest the difficult and sometimes upsetting answers, you can start the process of recovery.
There are many self-help books on the market which can go some way to helping you, but nothing beats the face to face interaction of a counsellor or coach who is specialised in the area of divorce and separation. You need to get through the nitty gritty of the divorce process itself, deal with mediation and legals and figure out what’s really important. Don’t sweat the small stuff. You will have a goal to aim for and by taking small steps, will eventually reach your summit.
Having future targets takes the focus away from your negative past as you start to realise that you can have a positive outcome. Plans and aspirations are exciting prospects and give you something to look forward to.