When you are separating from your ex, there is no question it is tough. It’s even tougher if your ex is abusive and a liar.
The very core of domestic abuse is about keeping power and control over you – when you leave an abusive partner the unthinkable has happened and the abuser has lost their power. How could this have happened? Why would he/she leave me? How can I get him/her back? How can I still keep control
All these questions will be going through their head and they will be working out strategies to try and regain that control at all costs. They don’t care who gets in the way – they don’t care whether it hurts you or the children. The Liar doesn’t care whether they lie or manipulate or charm their way forwards, it is all about winning.
They may lie to police or social services about your parenting – I have heard many stories of Liars accusing their partners of drug taking, hitting the children, having mental health issues, etc, none of it true, but all designed to intimidate their victim , charm the professionals and shift the focus away from their behaviour .
From The Group Hug Community:
After I asked my ex to leave I discovered a whole load of lies. He hadn’t been paying the rent on our house for a start! The children and I ended up homeless. The lies got worse when he realised that he had lost control of me, it was like he was scrabbling to win a war. He lied when he told the police that I had hit him in the school carpark and blatantly lied to the courts every time we went, even though he told the Judge that he wanted to swear on the bible. In the end, the best thing I could do was to stop fighting him and walk away and leave him to his sad existence and get on with putting my life back together.
After speaking to a divorce coach I was able to reframe these situations and think about how lucky I was to escape from this man. He still lies now, to his family, friends and our children. I don’t care. He is out of my life and the kids are starting to see his lies for themselves. His lies are simply nails in his coffin. Liars don’t live decent lives.ASM – Berkshire – The Group Hug Community
Why do they lie?
The Liar cannot comprehend the thought of losing and refuses to take on responsibility for their behaviour. This is why leaving is actually the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship and why if this is you, you should seek specialist help and support to keep you safe.
Don’t ever think it won’t happen to you – it might ‘only’ be emotional abuse or financial abuse now, but if the abuser thinks they are going to lose everything – their family, their home, their status, their reputation, they may seek revenge by hurting you, someone close to you or hurting themselves.
Excuses, Excuses… from the liar
It can be difficult when they are lying about you to others, making wild unfounded accusations and seemingly getting away with it.
- It was ‘only’ a slap
- I only did it because you provoked me
- It’s because I am stressed – I didn’t know what I was doing
- It’s because you made me jealous
- You are so difficult to live with!
Do you recognise any of these phrases?
Remember, you know the truth. The truth always comes out eventually. Stand firm, take a breath, be honest and ‘stick to your guns’.
Here are my top 3 tips when dealing with The Liar:
- Don’t react! They thrive on a reaction, so don’t give them one. This takes the ‘fuel out of their fire’.
- Stay strong – keep your focus on your long-term goals.
- Educate yourself on all the various tactics of abuse so you can spot them easily
If you would like support with 1:1 sessions to help you recognise the warning signs of abuse, or so I can help you recover from an abusive relationship, please get in touch. I have spent the last 12 years supporting victims of Domestic Abuse.