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Did your ex cheat on you?

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Did your ex cheat on you? How did you feel when you found out and how did you deal with it? Maybe you are going through this right now and need support from other members who have been through this and are now out the other side... join in the chat here... 🙂 🙂 🙂 The Group Hug Moderator xxx

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Topic starter Posted : 21/05/2021 6:20 pm
scubasally
(@scubasally)
Apprentice Hugger

The day my ex announced our marriage was over was when he told me that he'd met someone else that made him happy. I was utterly devastated, we'd been married 14 years, together 19 years and had a 7 year old son. I simply couldn't comprehend how he no longer loved me nor how he could so easily replace me. I cried myself to sleep, lost 2 stones in weight and eventually got counselling through my workplace and the NHS to help me come to terms with what had happened.
Reflecting now, 2 and 1/2 years later, I realise that I had lost myself in my marriage and that we'd been stuck in a rut since the birth of our son. Not that this condones my ex's adultery but having been forced to become single, I was able to make my own decisions about my life without having to compromise. Also, the way that my ex has behaved towards me and my son since he left has made me realise how much better off I am without him. The upshot of this reflection was that I relocated for a new job and I'm now happy in a new relationship.
I wouldn't wish anyone to go through the experience I had but being forced to face up to my 'new' single life allowed me to rediscover my dreams and aspirations and to seize every new opportunity that came my way, be it a new friendship, a new group, a new job or a new city. Accept all offers of support and it is possible to get through the emotional and physical pain.
I'm not in a position to thank the woman who stole my husband but I am glad now that we are no longer married. 

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Posted : 23/05/2021 5:52 pm
Star, jojoglowup and Tino liked
suemail222
(@suemail222)
Apprentice Hugger

@scubasally Oh wow - this sounds great and i hope that one day I get to a point like this where i can move on and have no regrets and be glad to see the back of him! Did you ever find out why he had an affair. I think that's the worse thing with divorce, you just want to know the why as it feels like you can put a fullstop on it when you know however hard the truth may hurt. Then again, with a cheat, how do we know if they are telling us the truth - it could be a whole pack of lies. It is great that you have managed to get new friends and job etc and you sound like a very strong person. I am not feeling that within myself right now and feel a bit ashamed that i am getting divorced, and for my children. 😥 

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Posted : 07/06/2021 9:40 pm
scubasally
(@scubasally)
Apprentice Hugger

Hi @suemail222, I was really angry that I was left a single parent because of my ex's actions and yes I thought that I would be considered a failure by society for getting divorced. At the end of the day however, what's important is that your children grow up in a safe, loving environment and you have and always will provide that. Of course your children will still have a relationship with their dad but one day they'll be old enough to understand that it was his behaviour that led to the family breakdown.

As to why my ex cheated, he claimed it was because he had been unhappy in the marriage for a long time and thought that I no longer loved him although unhelpfully he had never mentioned this or did anything about this until he dropped the affair bombshell. Ultimately I don't think he ever adapted to our family life and didn't like that our son took up all my time and attention. His solution was to find someone who would pay him the attention that he deserved. Well I'm definitely better off without someone like that in my life. 

I hope you can find support through friends and maybe even new ones (!) and don't ever blame yourself for your ex's cheating behaviour. He's the failure not you. Sending big hugs.

  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 07/06/2021 10:16 pm
Redhead53
(@redhead53)
Apprentice Hugger

My husband of 32 years (now 33) came home one morning and just dropped the bombshell that he was leaving me with no real reason other than he cant live like this but wouldnt say what this was. He went on to tell me that he had got himself another house and had been seeing someone else for 2 months. I am utterly devastated as as far as I was aware there wasnt anything wrong with our marriage, we'd not been falling out or anything. The upshot of this is that I am really struggling as I have few friends and no social circle as I have spent my time with mainly him and most of the friends I have are part of long term couples and to be fair they just dont get it. I feel very envious that HE still has a life but has left me without one and that he is the cause of it all but isnt the one who has to start a life over again, making friends, starting relationships when the time is right etc and I dont know which way to turn as it is a very lonley life for me just now.

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Posted : 08/06/2021 6:46 am
Newhere liked
Tino
 Tino
(@tino)
Apprentice Hugger

@redhead53 I can’t imagine what it’s like after that long being married, but I do know that it’s really easy to fall into the trap of ‘joint friends’ and shared past times.  I think for a while you have to just fake it till you make it and just try lots of new situations as hard as that might be.  Although you’ve been married  a long time, there’s still a lot of life left to live!

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Posted : 09/06/2021 9:02 pm
Redhead53 liked
suemail222
(@suemail222)
Apprentice Hugger

It is really awful when your friends basically drop you from a great height. There you are one minute enjoying dinner with your lovely friends and then suddenly, it's all over. I don't know if sometimes people are worried as you are single and think you are going to run off with their partner, or if they are jealous of your new freedom and maybe new zest for life or if they don't want to take sides, but it hurts, that's for certain and some friends just don't say anything leaving you feeling as though you have done something wrong. All this and a cheating husband or wife is very very painful.

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Posted : 09/06/2021 9:12 pm
Redhead53 liked
scubasally
(@scubasally)
Apprentice Hugger

@redhead53. I really sympathise with how you're feeling. I also didn't think there was anything wrong with my marriage and conveniently my ex waited until there was someone else lined up before he had the courage to say he wanted a separation without any attempt to work through whatever he thought was wrong. It is hard not to be jealous that they have a new life and have left you without any discussion and also without the safety net of your previous life. 

I was lucky in the sense that I became a single parent and quickly tapped into the network of single mums at the school. But I didn't stop there, I started to say yes to socialising with work colleagues, said yes to a new music group and signed up for a series of 10k races. I had already started running with a weekly group of mums before the split but I wanted to do something for myself. I ran my first 10k race 5 months after my ex had left and felt fab.

It is difficult to put yourself out there. I'm not talking about new romantic relationships - it took me two years before I was ready to embark on one of those - but going out and not staying at home feeling sorry for yourself is an absolute must. I never used it but there is group www.meet-up.com which I was recommended where everyone is single and therefore in the same boat of showing up to an outing not knowing anyone. 

I don't know what to suggest about your old friends. Unfortunately, without the experience of what you are going through, it will be difficult for them to really support you. That's where reaching out and finding others in similar situations is so important. 

You will probably have never thought about changing your life because you didn't need to but this is a chance to think about yourself and find the things that make you happy. A single friend of mine whose daughter has now left home joined a Spa, started yoga classes and goes on interest holidays such as musical retreats. Your life isn't defined by your husband or his actions. Try to think about him as little as possible. Find you again and good things will start happening. Good luck.   

 

   

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Posted : 10/06/2021 9:50 pm
Tino
 Tino
(@tino)
Apprentice Hugger

@scubasally that’s fantastic advice.  We all need to find ourselves again.  True in a divorce, a bereavement and seperations for sure, but also true in existing relationships. We give up focussing on our true selves because it’s nice and easy to do the couple thing, but actually there’s so much more we could be enjoying.  @redhead53, find things you love - they’re out there.

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Posted : 11/06/2021 8:30 am
Redhead53
(@redhead53)
Apprentice Hugger

@scubasally thank you, very wise words indeed.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16/06/2021 12:54 am
Newhere liked
CaronKipping
(@northernlass)
Double-Star Contributor

@suemail222 I completely understand you want to understand the ‘why’ but like you say you may never get those answers.

instead, shift your focus to thinking about you and what you can learn from what happened in this relationship.

were there other things on reflection that you actually didn’t like about your relationship, what can you do now that you couldn’t do before, be grateful that you aren’t with someone who thinks it’s ok to lie and cheat.

Getting through the grief and emotional rollercoaster takes time but in time you can get stronger and feel happy again- perhaps even happier than ever! 
A divorce coach can help if you are struggling- find us in the directory. 
Caron Kipping 

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Posted : 15/07/2021 7:12 am
Newhere liked
startingover
(@startingover)
Apprentice Hugger

My ex cheated on me and I just couldn't get over it. Looking at him made me feel sick. I would imagine him, with his hands all over her body, touching her, saying things to her and I would go from being upset to wanting to physically attack him, hit him and hurt him. The anger and the pain was unbearable. I would wonder if he talked about me to her and what he was saying. Did he make fun of me with HER? If someone is unhappy in their relationship then they should have the balls to just tell their partner and not deceive them. I know this is a make and female problem - and I don't think either sex cheats more than the other so I am not being a man hater here. If someone does that to you then they don't deserve you - move on because I think the lies and deception eat away at you forever and I don't think you can 100% trust that person ever again.

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Posted : 15/07/2021 1:14 pm
jimbob1
(@jimbob1)
Apprentice Hugger

I did have an ex cheat on me, but it wasn't my last ex. I couldn't get over the thoughts in my head about her being touched by someone else and imagining them having sex. I just couldn't deal with it as she was out. I think my rule has always been one strike and your out. 

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Posted : 25/07/2021 3:22 pm
Monkey
(@monkey)
Double-Star Contributor

One strike and you’re out for sure. If you want out be honest, it’ll hurt but less than betrayal.

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Posted : 27/07/2021 9:25 pm
Newhere liked
Newhere
(@newhere)
Apprentice Hugger

I think he might have been because when I left him he told friends and family I was cheating.. I was not. It was weird that he had that in his head. I did catch him on his phone in his car a couple of times sitting on a road a few streets from our home. That was weird and suspicious. If he wasn’t having an affair, why could he not speak on his phone In our driveway or in the house? I Dont Know  

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Posted : 08/08/2021 11:42 am
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