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Friendships: odd one out
Anyone else struggling with friendships? I have some lovely friends, all happily married and - don’t get me wrong - they’ve really been there for me through the whole divorce thing. However, i went out to dinner with them just recently and I just couldn’t help feeling like the odd one out, a bit of a pain in the arse. I know they want to go out and have fun and I don’t want to be the one to spoil that except it’s hard to smile when you’re feeling shit. I don’t think any of them really understands what I’ve been through or what I’m going through and it’s hard to be honest with them. When they ask me how I am, I say ‘oh I’m fine’ (which is a complete lie) because any time I mention the ‘d’ word, the room goes eerily quiet and I just get ‘hmmms’ and ‘ahhh’s. I listened to them talk about how much of a tip they should add to the bill (oh no, that’s not enough!) when I’ve got bugger-all money, let alone enough to make other people better off and one of my friends only likes ‘positive and motivated people’. I don’t want to lose their friendship - it’s hard enough being on your own as it is - but I just feel like we have less and less in common. How have other people dealt with this?
I experienced this when I split with my husband, (and still do as a single). Sadly, as long as you're single you'll always feel this way with couples. They want to include you, but have no bloody idea how it feels to be the 'odd one out'.
When I split with my husband I made things very difficult for myself straight away, as when we sold the house I moved away with my kids (then 16 and 2), to a completely different area. Whilst this was super tough at the time, it forced me to go out and make new friends, I had no choice.
I found the best thing for me was to go out and make new 'single' friends. These days I do have a bunch of friends that are couples and smug married's; but I also have some really great single friends too. I pepper my limited free time with both; opting out of socialising with couples when I'm not feeling it!
I found a lot of new friends through taking up a new interest outside of work. This worked brilliantly for me. Have a think about what you 'like' to do, and maybe take up a new hobby or interest yourself?
It needn't be something that costs a great deal of cash too. There are loads of things you could do that would cost less than a meal (and a tip) 😉 - and you could make new friends into the bargain!
I'm not suggesting you move! I hope this helps in some small way?
Unfortunately or fortunately I’ve had to make new friends. My ‘smug marrieds’ just didn’t make me feel happy so I left them to it (one of them is now divorcing too). We just had nothing in common anymore as the dinner party invites dried up and they even did stuff behind my back. I felt really uncomfortable around them. I’ve thrown myself into work, kids and hoping to start a new life at some point. Trying to get brave. I fight believe that friends are necessarily forever. They change as our lives evolve? If I feel sad with a furies I’ve always moved on. We only live once? Good luck and try not
I’ve done the same. Moved on and trying to make new friends. My old ‘so called’ friends make me sick. I’m treated like the outsider and I’ve always been the organiser of the group of ‘marrieds’. As soon as it was all over (and my ex hit me!) I was no longer included. It was tough, but I’ve found out who my friends really are... which is zero! Making new ones. Thank goodness for this group. I feel slightly better knowing that I’m not alone.
Hello all, I’m a bloke and my ex seems to have kept all of our friends and I’ve been left on the outside and am the ‘bad guy’. I’m not very good at speaking about how bad i’m feeling that the marriage is over. I left my wife because we simply weren’t getting on anymore and she could be very aggressive, partly because the relationship has been breaking down for a long time and we’ve both been frustrated. Not seeing my kids every day kills me and I feel like I’m letting them down, but equally I just couldn’t stand the animosity at home anymore. I feel quite lonely but pop into the local pub most days to get a bit of chat and at least see people, but those people are not who I regard as my proper friends.
I’m happy again after divorce. I’ve met someone else and feel content. I was thinking about your posts while I was driving earlier. I felt so happy, I decided to sent all old friends I’d lost touch with, Easter Cards to say ‘hi... happy Easter.., here’s my address... my phone number’. Not one person (and I sent 20) replied. Wish I hadn’t bothered. I’m not even sure why I did that? I thought that maybe I had become a bit boring during the divorce stuff.., I obviously didn’t mean that much to these people and that hurts when I remember the dinner parties we threw. The money we spent, letting people stay over.. hospitality. Did they want me to fall and when I did they laughed? I don’t think I was a horrible person. I suppose it’s not worth worrying about? Eeeeek!
It is so bad to read that friends are like this, but i am a bloke and have the same. People have unfortunately taken sides and even my ex best man has gone with the ex wife. I have just decided that it is time to make real friends? I also think we get hung up on having lots of friends when maybe we really only have a couple of people who really make a difference to our lives?
Hi Movingon. I was wondering how you are getting on? Have your friends improved now it's been a couple of months? A couple more people I know have dropped into divorce mode, it seems the older the children get, the more that start to go through it too, so I am not alone... although these people weren't close friends. However, I have noticed that these people seem to have supportive friends, so i am wondering what i did wrong? I wonder if sometimes, if we are strong people, we can look like we don't need help. Maybe we need to show that we are feeling vulnerable and not coping ok? Just a thought. I also think people shy away if a divorce is particularly vicious , people, even so called "friends" don't want to get involved. It does make me laugh how these people have been friends with you for years and yet say " we don't want to take sides". I want to shout "but you should be on MY side.. you have been friends with ME for years!" My ex treated me like dirt but not one person said a word to him and took a stand for me, even though they could see what was going on. yuck.
Not good friends are they? I had a clearout of who was good for me and who was not. Even as a bloke I realised that men can be shits too, some I think spurred on by their wives who did not their husbands going out with a single man to the pub ... i think I became a threat to their marriages?
I think lots of married people find divorce uncomfortable. They don't know whose side to take our what to say. I've even noticed some of my female friends feel threatened by me and some of their husbands think I'll encourage them to split too!!
That's so true. I think some people think that you are suddenly the carrier of a "curse". men think you will encourage their wives to go out on the town and dating! Women think you may want their husband or they are jealous that you had the strength to leave. Maybe some people are unhappy themselves and can't bear to see you being brave and getting on with life? i am seeing it all months on....