I moved out, tried to start again, rented a small flat and was going out a lot in the hope of meeting someone new. I was drinking a lot and had stopped functioning normally, my head was like a fog. I couldn’t see clearly, where to go what to do, I was simply drifting. I wanted to be truly happy, but how was I ever going to be?
My life was a mess
For many years my life continued like this, taking huge risks with large sums of money, going away on my own or on singles holidays. Once I rented a detached three bedroom private villa with a pool in Cyprus, and just went on Tinder while I was there incredible.
I’d met someone back at home, a nurse, and spent too much time with her. I knew she was shitting-on-me behind my back and she’d told me during one break-up that she had joined Illicit Encounters where married people go for a fling. She’d met a man who was going to pay for her to have a flat in London. Because I knew she was deceiving me when we got back together, I treated her with the same disrespect, going to her bed after spending the hours before, screwing someone else). Not funny.
I was using Tinder, Match, that fish thing and lots of online porn. I even met someone who tried to introduce me to a swingers club. Well, we met online, but I let her down twice by not turning up for dates. She had sent details of this club, all legal, “members only” (ha ha), it had a spa, some rooms, or you could just shag in front of everyone else. I didn’t make that either, not my thing being watched having sex, I don’t think. Hmm, who knows.
Anyway life drifted on, work changed, I got my finger out started to earn more money, which in turn, affected my self-esteem and then attracted more bloody women. I guess we do give something off when we feel better about ourselves. So more years went by, it was fun and I had no responsibilities but that life didn’t feel like the truly happy I was yearning for. I was paying for my ex and children, so money was tight but I was good at juggling and I had no debts so I did OK.
I needed a proper new start
A few years after my divorce, many of my friends relationships started falling apart, it was bloody rife, horrible separations, ugly divorces, it was like having to live your own misery again. I had to escape, move on; it was stifling. I made the conscious decision that I needed something new, a proper friend, partner, stability and life. That was it, I needed “a life.” rather than an existence.
I decided to move away as I could live anywhere in reason with my job. I went far enough for a change of scenery, new people. (I remember we used to take the piss out of a local barmaid who moved regularly because she had shagged out that postcode). That wasn’t why I went.
Anyway, we met on Tinder, but we sort of thought we may have crossed paths before and we met for a drink after some fairly bland online chats. I looked shit, hungover, ripped jeans, (oh yeah Calvin Kleins and was only in my 50’s ha ha) what was I thinking. She looked lovely, but had a black eye from her husband which was badly covered with make up. We chatted for hours, I drank a lot, she drove and dropped me home. I pecked her on the cheek and said goodnight and then didn’t see or hear from her again; it was weird, she blocked me completely.
Then some months later, out of the blue, I received a Whatsapp message from her (can I give her a name? This sounds so impersonal – I’ll call her “Susie”). So Susie got in touch and we met up for a second time. Her life was unravelling big style.
I couldn’t make up what was happening and that story is not for me to tell, but there are some real male arseholes in this world. Ones who will do anything to destroy their wife if she decides to “get out”. They don’t care if they children are hurting in the process. Eventually he will get his comeuppance and will suffer. He has lost the nicest, most genuine, completely gorgeous woman I have ever ever met.
I’m living my best life as truly happy
Together we have been through the worst life can throw at you, all of it, illness, family death, displacement, yuk yuk and triple yuk, but now the happy beginning. We live in a stunning cottage spending hours just staring out of the window at the nature that surrounds us. Not only do we help each other, but we love each other and I feel pretty certain that we will be there for each other, forever.
We’ve found what we always wanted, and although it was a long hard journey to get through her divorce, we never gave up. Please don’t give up, not until you find the person you are looking for. Make sure you have fun looking and at least die knowing you tried. “Susie” – you know who you are, thank you, onwards and upwards together. I LOVE YOU. But it can be scary. I am truly happy, but that doesn’t stop me from still being terrified of losing it.