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Have you ever suffered from Financial Abuse? We want to gear from YOU!

Moderator
(@moderator)
Reliable Friend

We want to collate your experience of Financial Abuse/Economic Abuse - you can share your stories here anonymously and safely. Help others going through this abuse by sharing your experiences- Get involved now. Thank you   Love Kiss  

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Topic starter Posted : 05/07/2021 11:45 am
Bettybooprules
(@bettybooprules)
New Member

I suffered economic abuse as soon as I left my ex. I had had some domestic abuse in the past when things in his life were not going to plan he would lose it with me if I challenged him. After many many years of living on a knife edge with him I decided to leave. He had always told me that if i ever left he would make sure that i had nothing. We have three children. I think part of me didn't believe him though. When I left I swiftly found myself and the children homeless and he didn't care that our children were suffering too. He was so focussed on getting at me, that they didn't even feature in his mind. All his attacks were targetted at me and they were obviously also in the firing line as they lived with me. he just refused to give me any money and even gave up his job so that he wouldn't have to pay me child maintenance. He used Covid to continue to get out of paying Child Maintenance and when he got 50/50 childcare he even took 50% of the child benefit from me, even though he didn't need the money. My ex is able to continue to abuse me financially as his family enable him to do this to me and i suppose to some extent the system does too. He refuses to pay for half of things such as school clothes as he like the fact that I have to buy a whole set - he also has to buy a whole set, but he can afford it so it doesn't matter to him. When I tell people that he is still abusing me but in a financial way to attack me i really don't think people get it as there are no bruises etc. I had times in the beginning where I felt so low I thought i should just kill myself, being homeless and so down, some days I thought i would not be able to go on. But I survived. Economic abuse is a hidden abuse and more people need to be made aware of the underhand ways an ex can still abuse you if they are so crazy they still want to do that.  Some exes are so bitter and twisted, they will do anything to break you. Sometimes I wonder if my ex did actually want to kill me - he didn't want the blood on his hands and the murder charge so he has done everything to make me want to kill myself. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 05/07/2021 12:16 pm
poshgirl
(@poshgirl)
Double-Star Contributor

@bettybooprules this is absolutely terrifying and I believe that someone who goes to these lengths to emotionally control someone using money after the separation/divorce is some kind of "path" be that psychopath or sociopath. They clearly have something seriously wrong with them and are a danger, as in the person they are attacking could end up doing something very silly because of their abuse which isn't physical but is emotional. Only those in "in the know" about these things can see what is happening. Keeping money from you is meant to hurt you ultimately but it is also hurting your children. It is meant to destroy your relationship with your children. It is actually very chilling that someone far removed from you can still be destructive and I I think that coercive control should also apply to out of relationship issues too such as yours. It's disgusting. 

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Posted : 04/08/2021 3:21 pm
Newhere
(@newhere)
Apprentice Hugger

The family court allowed my ex to continue to financially abuse me. I feel that the more financially secure party in the divorce can get the better lawyer and leave the other side with nothing. My ex would leave credit notes in shops to the value of the amount of money. Could spend on things. This was post separation financial abuse. 

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Posted : 08/08/2021 11:38 am
Harridar
(@harridar)
New Member

I have lived 18months on universal credit while my husband lives a lavish lifestyle with thousands in the bank and I'm not allowed to ask for help or support because it's not mine. I moved for my husband a hour away from my support and because of the abuse I am currently having bad mental health issues. I am not allowed to tell anyone about our situation because he's embarrassed by me and my health issues and I'm not contributing what a wife should"  I have a dog that got poorly and I had to beg a local charity for help. 

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Posted : 13/08/2021 8:49 am
dianagotit
(@dianagotit)
Double-Star Contributor

@harridar OMG! This is awful! Are you still living with him or are you divorced? He sounds like a horrible man. How did all this start to happen? Have you been married a long time?

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Posted : 24/08/2021 10:19 am
Sarah Squires
(@sarah-squires)
Apprentice Hugger

@harridar What a horrible situation to be in.  I am guessing from your message (and correct me if I am wrong) that you are still with this person.  My advice is to start gathering evidence now.  Get copies of their bank account numbers and statements if you can.  Any and all interests that they have (savings, shares, income etc).  Store it away somewhere they cannot access and do not draw attention to yourself, try to act as "normal" as possible.  I also recommend starting to build up a "war chest" so that you can at least pay for a train ticket for yourself back to family.  Start saving as much as you can again in secret.  I know on UC it won't be much, but just a pound a week can add up.  Finally, keep a diary.  It will help you process your experience and could provide you with a lot of evidence in the future.  Most of all though, stay strong.  Your dog will be an enormous support so keep hugging them.  Take care.

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Posted : 24/08/2021 11:40 am
matthewthom
(@matthewthom)
Apprentice Hugger

@sarah-squires just to play devil's advocate here, it is generally acceptable in the family courts for one party to "remember" the financial details they may have seen or read in, or around, the family home. However, I just wanted to stress that no documents belonging solely to the other spouse or any business they run should be given to a family solicitor. The reason being that taking such documents without the other party's permission or disclosure from them can be a criminal offence. Furthermore, if a family solicitor receives such documents, they must immediately be returned to the other party and/or their solicitor together with a detailed explanation as to how they came to be found. Copies cannot be retained.

I know that this may seem counter-productive, particularly when you are facing a spouse who is likely to hide assets and income later on. However, the law on this is quite clear and can lead the "innocent" party into hot water quite quickly. 

An article all about this point by a well known barrister in family circles can be found here - https://www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed115137.

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Posted : 26/08/2021 6:30 pm
Sarah Squires
(@sarah-squires)
Apprentice Hugger

@matthewthom Thanks for your perspective.  The link doesn't work unfortunately so I am unable to read the article.  Perhaps I should have specified "joint accounts" only and employ the services of a forensic accountant if you feel your ex is hiding assets.  I appreciate your thoughts.

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Posted : 27/08/2021 9:04 am
startagain2021
(@startagain2021)
Apprentice Hugger

@harridar how are things? Have you managed to get any help with your situation?

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Posted : 18/09/2021 11:58 am