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“You’ll be in the gutter!”

“Far from it knob head!” I am able to say to myself now.
I wanted to tell you my story and I hope that even if at least one person gets something from it, it will be worth it! I dug my way out of the flames.
“You will be in Hell!” he said as I told him that he was no longer going to abuse me or my children, physically or emotionally. He had always warned me that if I ever left him, I would have nothing and he would try and take the children away from me. He would leave me in debt and financially blocked. Funnily enough, it was probably the only true words that ever left his lips”. He has spent the last three years dragging me through the family courts. His sole evil mission to leave me with no way out. To disable me. When I see him, I see pure hatred in his soul. He is affected, a Monster. What happened to him in the past to blacken his heart?

He literally walked out of the door and then threw loads of debts at me. I had been a stay at home mum for 13 years so had no income.

I had been the home-maker and he was the breadwinner. He started staying with Friends and was able to release himself from all the bills such as water and electricity etc. even though his children, our children were still living at the property – he didn’t care about that. In his narcissistic mind, I had asked him to leave, dented his ego, so that was that. HE was the victim now and three years on, he still plays that card to all who will listen.
Even though his name was on the rental lease, a simple call from him to the council tax and the bill was in my name only. There I was, no income, and because I had suffered physical violence and been brave enough to believe what the websites told me to do “get away from the relationship“ and thrown him out, I was left with him able to now economically abuse me. Economic Abuse is often part of the Post Separation Abuse. The abuser has no other way of hurting so they go for that where it concerns a Mother who has not been working. The bad news is that the system seems to allow it.

I was on full benefits for two years. It’s the worse feeling. He even applied for half the child benefit and got it. It was our food money. He is a millionaire. How could he do that to the children? Not me. The children? His own flesh and blood?

As the above, the Father moves out and then simply tells all the facilities that the bills are now in the mum’s name. Great. Not only is the Mother dealing with the emotions of any children involved, but she is left with no funding as it is simply withdrawn. There are things which could be done court-wise such as Maintenance Pending Suit, but in my case, his wealthy family were his enablers and gave him money, so he didn’t have to earn an actual income. To the courts, he didn’t have an income. That’s all these men have to do, Stop working and hit the victim where it really hurts.
It took me a few weeks before I realised that what I thought wasn’t a game at all. He really wasn’t going to support his children. At one point the children needed shoes and I had to suffer the humiliation of going to a shop of his choice where he has issued a credit note to be used by the staff for shoes only. This was the only time he paid for something I’d requested and I now realise that was because the shoes were part of him self-image at their posh private school. He didn’t want anyone to see the boys without school shoes as that would reflect on him. With housing etc., in his mind, that was MY fault and he told friends that I had chosen to “throw him on the streets” and there was nothing he could do. We ended up going to a homeless shelter. He didn’t give a shit. As long as he was able to peacock around their school in his fancy suit, he felt that he was doing his job. His ego was intact in his head and I was the one making them live in a shelter.
He didn’t bother seeing the children for 9 months, he would just visit them at school and it took him an age to start proceedings for child access and then purely because of the financial case starting. He had obviously been advised that if he went for 50:50 care of sole residency with him, it was less likely that he would have to pay me anything. He got 50:50, mainly because at that time I was broken and because he turned up at court and started bullying me. I gave in. Do I regret it? Actually, not anymore.

The children see him for exactly who he is and comment to me, which, however interesting that is, I feel sorry that they don’t have a huge amount of respect for their Father. They actually see him as a bit of a joke and he is not someone they trust. I can see that and they will never forget that we lived in some pretty awful places when he had gone and they know he didn’t help us one little bit. They lived through what happened and it is a footprint on their minds. Sadly. They can’t simply erase the memories and the sadness. Their Father didn’t do the right thing and that is a FACT. They know he is weak-willed and comment that something is not quite right with him.  

He played many games along the way. After 9 months of trying I was awarded legal aid and this angered him and more games started. Every time I asked and begged for money, he would call the police and eventually they issued me with a PIN notice (which is very simply a piece of paper saying that you haven’t done anything wrong and they have no evidence, but just do not contact the accuser again). The narcissist loves the piece of paper and it pops up at every opportunity. I have just seen it in his bundle for a fact-finding case in a couple of weeks’ time. Does he really think that the Judge gives two hoots? In fact, when I am questioned about it at Final Hearing, he will look very stupid as it was given to me for asking him for money for his children. What’s wrong with that.  

He also produced a letter from Victim Support. This is where he made a false allegation of violence about me which led to nothing. I suppose he was handed a leaflet about Victim Support when he reported the so called “crime” and he simply called them and got a counsellor.

He has no shame. He has been using public resources for two years now and still continues to do so. Victim Support for what? There was no crime committed. The police called me and told me that they knew he was lying – yet that is not relayed to victim support! So, he is using public money to have counselling for something that didn’t actually happen. This is where it all goes wrong; the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing, the whole system is flawed and it is the same for child issues. A parent may be accused of violence and that doesn’t make its way into the family court system and we see children, time and time again being forced to spend time with emotionally abusive parents.  

The courts didn’t see (and neither did CAFCASS) that my children’s father didn’t bother with them until there was a financial implication for him. He walked away and that was that. He came crawling back when he thought he could use them to get at me, and that’s exactly what he thinks he did. I say “thinks” as I am happy with 50:50 as it allows me the freedom to work and crawl out of the hell he wants me in. I’m not going to tell him!  

So endless child cases, then he took me to court to try and get non-molestation (when his complaints of harassment to the police came to nothing), finances still continue, (he doesn’t know what I have up my sleeve now that I am feeling better). I have ANOTHER Final Hearing in April as he appealed the first one an won his right to appeal. Which, shocked me at first, but actually, as time goes on, he is in a worse position on a few points as time has proven exactly what his finances are. When things happen for a few months they can be dismissed as “temporary”. When things go on for 18 months… you can pretty much say they are stable.

I am working now – have some fabulous jobs and a great career ahead of me. I took the time to retrain in something and that is giving me great pleasure, helping others. I even have my own little business.

I guess what I want to say is keep going everyone – man or woman going through divorce crap… you will come out the other side a better person. I love my new life. I can work (I wasn’t allowed before!) I have a fabulous man in my life and my children are happy. I know exactly what my ex is and I play him like a fiddle and that makes me feel great.   I don’t know if I will ever get any money from him, I should as he is absolutely loaded, but my life is full of happiness now and that’s what he cannot bear. He’ll never change, Whoever he meets – he will always be sad and consumed by his own ego.  

Now who’s laughing? ME! I won. I returned to happiness

By a Group Hug Blogger  

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

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