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I want a divorce but i’m really scared!

Leaving any relationship is not fun, but add to that the complexities of the divorce process and it can be downright intimidating.

There can be many reasons why you’re feeling anxious about taking the plunge and the prospect of getting divorced is bound to leave you feeling nervous. Have you decided that you want to leave your marriage but are now to feeling too scared to take the next step?

Separation feelings – welcome aboard the emotional rollercoaster

If you are 99% sure you want a divorce, maybe the 1% chance that you don’t, could lead you to exploring a legal separation and separation agreement. Separating could see you living separately for a set period of time, having separate financial arrangements but remaining married. It’s the one-stop-shop before considering going into divorce proceedings. It can allow you and your spouse time to breathe. In some cases a couple rediscover their relationship when they are “out of it” and go on to live happily ever after. If you think that there is even the slightest chance of a reconciliation, then it’s worth exploring the separation option.

How do I tell my spouse that I want a divorce?

Speak to a divorce coach or counsellor

If you know that you definitely want out, then speaking to a divorce coach could be the answer to ease your anxiety. A coach will help you to communicate with your partner and identify the best way to speak to them about what’s happening. More and more people are contacting a coach well before they hit the solicitors office. A coach can help you to navigate the minefield which is how to get divorced.

There are many ways of getting that Decree Absolute and it doesn’t have to result in going through the family court. If a couple can be reasonably amicable then there are options from an online divorce portal such as Family Law Cafe, mediation or the option of a one-couple-one-law firm such as The Divorce Surgery (search for them in The Hug Directory). If things are really tricky between you and your spouse, then you may have no choice but to find a solicitor to assist you in fighting your corner. A divorce coach will help you to communicate your way through the process, whichever path you end up taking.

You can find divorce coaches in The Hug Directory

Start to think about yourself

Are you too busy worrying about everyone else around you to think about your own needs? Some couples don’t want to break-up because of the children; they end up leading miserable lives until the kids have flown the nest. Just think about whether it’s better for children to see their parents separated but happy or together and always at each others throats. If you are unable to co-parent while living under the same roof it may be a better situation to do it living apart. Don’t we owe it to our children to allow them to live a childhood full of peace and happiness?

divorce can be scary

Some people don’t want to leave a marriage because of pride. They think that getting divorced is seen as failing. Isn’t staying in an unhappy relationship because of what others may or may not think, lying to yourself? Speaking to a counsellor or coach can help you to resolve these thoughts and move on.

Divorce – what you need to know

Are you worried about the process?

Divorce is painful, there is no doubt about it. Are you worried about the process and the time and energy it could take from you? There are collaborative options such as mediation which can focus on the whole family, including any children. Speaking openly to your partner may lead you to understand that they are scared too. The more amicable you can both be, the less pain all parties will experience. Divorce litigation is draining and the costs could be better put towards a relaxing holiday or new home.

Find out more about divorce counselling and what it means

Is your partner abusive?

If your partner is abusive either violently or emotionally it is vital that you seek professional support from a charity such as The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, Women’s Aid or ManKind. Don’t make any rash decisions before speaking to a expert as you could be putting yourself and any children in danger. If you need to, call the Police. There is more and more support around the issue of removing yourself from an abusive marriage. You are not alone. You can also speak to a family law solicitor to help you to understand the process and to put steps in place where needed.

Financial implications

One of the biggest worries for those contemplating divorce is money. They are nervous about where and how they will live. They are also concerned about the cost of getting divorced. The more amicable a divorce or dissolution can be, the less it will cost. If you do end up in court, it is the Judge’s role to ensure that each party can leave the marriage and move on with their life separately. Each individual will need to be able to set up a new life with something from the “marital pot”. Getting the legal help you need is crucial. Family solicitors exist to make sure that your corner is covered and you get the best out of your divorce; what’s right for you. If you feel that your spouse is concealing assets or not being completely honest, you must consult with a solicitor and get advice.

Find family solicitors in The Hug Directory

Of course, we speak about being amicable, but this does not mean “giving in” to your spouse and simply allowing yourself to be bullied into an unfair deal. It is really important that you get some professional advice where you can lay everything on the table and understand what might be fair to both you and your spouse. In years to come, you don’t want to have regrets thinking that you didn’t get what you deserved. Don’t walk away from what you are due, just to keep the peace because you are scared. Definitely get some professional advice.

What’s next?

If you are feeling apprehensive and scared, believe us when we say that you are not the only one feeling this way right now, today. You can chat to others in The Group Hug Community by visiting the safe online chatrooms HERE. Just sign up and choose your own posting name. You chat anonymously; no names or profile pictures! It’s great.

You can also chat to us on our live chat on the website. If we are unavailable you can drop us an email.

You can find expert help in The Hug Directory. Everyone from friendly solicitors who are ready to listen to mediators to online divorce companies. If you are acting for yourself as a Litigant in Person – search for McKenzie Friends who will support you – if you don’t know what this is – you can search for further information here. There are also those all important financial advisors and even house moving experts who can assist you and your spouse in splitting the contents of the former marital house.

So if you’re scared, don’t be. We’re here.

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