Toxic Divorce. Just walk away with nothing but your sanity?

Discussion – please add your comments – we are sparking a conversation…

Sometimes you just have to cut and run and move on. We are in contact with many women who are fighting the fight and some just can’t carry on. These women say that they had two choices; let the ex continue his control through the courts or walk away and get on with your life.
Many choose the latter as at the end of the day, you can get all the court orders in the world, if your ex has taken you to court in the first place and you have kids, the possibility is that this is a bastard who is not going to give up easily and he is not suddenly going to get a conscience. Figures show that there are not actually many cases which end up in the Family Court at a Final Hearing.
Considering the amount of divorces in the UK most couples will at some point, before a Final Hearing, come to an agreement. This is not only because they get worn down by it all, but because it’s bloody expensive with a Final Hearing costing upwards from £15,000. Normal parents would rather put that towards their children. It is only the bitter and twisted ex who will drag things through to the end to make a point.
Where a partner is really dragging his or her heels to enable the other party to move on with their life, one part of the couple must surely have some kind of psychological issue in processing the situation or they have narcissistic tendencies? Most couples look to the children first and ensure that they are well looked after and provided for when in the care of EITHER parent. It’s not about point scoring. That’s the key. Where one parent feels that the children should live in one way with one parent and another way with themselves, then there is an issue. A psychological disorder?
There are a number of members who are in cases where their ex expects the children to live destitute with them, the Mother and very nicely with themselves, the Father. Well-meaning parents will ensure the children have the same lifestyle with either of them and they will brush their own feelings of hostility under the carpet, because at the end of the day, children grow into adults and who wants their children to disown them when they are themselves adults with “how could you make us homeless when we were with Mum?” It doesn’t matter what excuses the perpetrator of the economic abuse comes up with; when children have their own children, they will know exactly what it feels like to be a parent and the realisation of how one parent treated another financially, will hit home regardless of affairs etc.. it will be all about how the child felt and how one parent treated the other.

What could situations look like?

The situation may end up with the Mum being the Primary Carer and the Father having the children every other weekend – this would mean that the children stay in a house with their own bedrooms etc. and may mean that the Father has a smaller property as he doesn’t have the children as much.
It could mean the children are 50:50 and the parents have a similar property.
The issues arise when the parent who has always held the purse strings, in terms of they have their own business or assets or has been the breadwinner gets nasty. When that person decides that they are not sharing, that they are going to punish the other party for leaving or because they themselves have moved on with their life and are with someone else, that’s when it all ends up in court. Why else would these cases end up in court proceedings when there are children? Reasonable breadwinners look after the person who was not working.
The law is supposed to be in place to protect the vulnerable party from the wealthier spouse but we all know that doesn’t always work. True stories of (in this case) wives being left homeless or forced onto benefits as the husband hides his assets or gives up work altogether purely to inflict pain on the woman he has lost control of.
How is the weaker party supposed to fight back with Legal Aid cuts? Even where Legal Aid is awarded, the service received is substandard and not worthy of winning a pub quiz, let alone a legal battle.
So, I can understand when the weaker party gives up. It is not right and is an injustice, but what else can they do but walk away? The only option is to be controlled for many years to come. There may be an order, but the wealthier party is not going to give up easily, they have come this far…. Appeals will commence and even if an order stays the next challenge is actually getting payment. Even though interest is added, is that going to mean much to someone who has easily spent over £100k? The fight will continue. Excuses will start, assets will become undervalued and they will speak about how the economy has nosedived and they cannot pay yet… it goes on and on.

Maybe it is better to walk away. At the end of the day, removing that toxic personality from their life will be a release. It will allow space to breathe and with mindfulness and coaching, that person can go onto lead a fulfilling life. While court cases are dragging on, how can that person find new love, concentrate on their children, build a new career or retrain?  

Add your comments  

I am sure there are men who have felt this way too? Where the woman was the breadwinner?

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Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

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Written by The Group Hug


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