I think a lot when I walk the dog. I often thought that talking to myself was a sign of madness, but actually having been through what I have in the last few years, it would be mad not to talk…..even if it is to yourself or the dog.
So, there I was, walking in the woods and going over more stuff as I do. I’ve had a rough time recently and to be honest, I really have cried a lot. But I have turned another corner and ahead I see a trouble free stretch.
That is because I’ve realised that I’ve been asking the wrong questions all along.
My ex has always been a narcissist, I just never knew it. I was so focused on bringing up the family and being the stay at home wife and mum, I used to ask myself,
- Why does he say those things?
- Why does he do that?
- How come he twists everything? why can’t he stop lying?
- Why is he so patronising WHY…..?
Now, I’m not stupid, but I kick myself for not seeing it sooner.
I’ve spent a 16 year marriage trying to be a wife and trying to please my husband, worrying about his needs before my own and thinking that if I kept going he would eventually be content.
I looked at my husband (who had a failed marriage before me) and I thought…I’m not going to be like his ex. I’m kind, honest, grounded, not a gold digger, love children and animals, clever, fit and healthy and younger. I was loyal, put him and the kids first and yet there was always something I hadn’t done right that day, and he would tell me; you know, put me straight because he always thought he was better than me at being a housewife and mum. I started to ask myself questions like
- How come he’s still so unhappy?
- What more can I do?
- Have I done something wrong?
- How do I get through this?
- Why doesn’t he have friends and why is he so arrogant?
- Why does he control everything?
These questions drove me mad and it’s all because I could never find an answer.
That continued to be the way even after I left him.
I still found myself asking:
- Why does he feed the kids rubbish?
- How can he let them stay up so late on a school night?
- Why is he so difficult to deal with?
That was then…..then I realised he would never change, so I had to.
- Why am I putting with this?
- Why am I letting him treat me this way?”
- Why am I listening to this crap?
- Why am I wasting my life?
- Why am I focusing so much on him still?
- Why am I so worried about what he feeds the kids, or how he spends the weekend with them?
More recently, since leaving him, he’s still tried to control me. So now I ask myself the questions which primarily centre around me first and not him. Doing this has given me the ability to get stronger and to shield myself against his harassment.
- Who cares why he’s doing what he’s doing?
- Who cares if /when he’s going to stop?
- Who cares what he feeds the kids on his watch?
Just let go. Think about yourself first and stop trying to understand him and his ways.
- Why do I care?
- What’s in it for me?