I think a lot when I walk the dog. I often thought that talking to myself was a sign of madness, but actually having been through what I have in the last few years, it would be mad not to talk…..even if it is to yourself or the dog.
So, there I was, walking in the woods and going over more stuff as I do. I’ve had a rough time recently and to be honest, I really have cried a lot. But I have turned another corner and ahead I see a trouble free stretch.
That is because I’ve realised that I’ve been asking the wrong questions all along.
My ex has always been a narcissist, I just never knew it. I was so focused on bringing up the family and being the stay at home wife and mum, I used to ask myself,
- Why does he say those things?
- Why does he do that?
- How come he twists everything? why can’t he stop lying?
- Why is he so patronising WHY…..?
Now, I’m not stupid, but I kick myself for not seeing it sooner.
I’ve spent a 16 year marriage trying to be a wife and trying to please my husband, worrying about his needs before my own and thinking that if I kept going he would eventually be content.
What is domestic abuse? It doesn’t have to be physical
I looked at my husband (who had a failed marriage before me) and I thought…I’m not going to be like his ex. I’m kind, honest, grounded, not a gold digger, love children and animals, clever, fit and healthy and younger. I was loyal, put him and the kids first and yet there was always something I hadn’t done right that day, and he would tell me; you know, put me straight because he always thought he was better than me at being a housewife and mum. I started to ask myself questions like
- How come he’s still so unhappy?
- What more can I do?
- Have I done something wrong?
- How do I get through this?
- Why doesn’t he have friends and why is he so arrogant?
- Why does he control everything?
These questions drove me mad and it’s all because I could never find an answer.
That continued to be the way even after I left him.
I still found myself asking:
- Why does he feed the kids rubbish?
- How can he let them stay up so late on a school night?
- Why is he so difficult to deal with?
That was then…..then I realised he would never change, so I had to.
- Why am I putting with this?
- Why am I letting him treat me this way?”
- Why am I listening to this crap?
- Why am I wasting my life?
- Why am I focusing so much on him still?
- Why am I so worried about what he feeds the kids, or how he spends the weekend with them?
Look after your mental health and wellbeing
More recently, since leaving him, he’s still tried to control me. So now I ask myself the questions which primarily centre around me first and not him. Doing this has given me the ability to get stronger and to shield myself against his harassment.
- Who cares why he’s doing what he’s doing?
- Who cares if /when he’s going to stop?
- Who cares what he feeds the kids on his watch?
Just let go. Think about yourself first and stop trying to understand him and his ways.
- Why do I care?
- What’s in it for me?